It's Been a Magical Ride

I just wanted to quickly say thanks to everyone who has followed us (mostly me) here at Juice and The Kicker. This will be the final post, as I have decided to leave the blogosphere to pursue other projects.

Again, thanks to all the people who kept up with the blog in the last few months, as well as the 100s of perverts who showed up at our sit by googling "Marria Verchenova" Sorry if you were disappointed with the lack of nudity upon your discovery.

Keep on keepin on,

Juice

Juice's Top Ten: Obnoxious Celebrities

This is going to be a slightly abridged version of the top ten, as I am going to limit myself to one sentence per person. It’ll be like tweeting on each person.

Hopefully you’ve been keeping up with our banter today, but if not scroll down and check it out, we should still have a couple more updates for you tonight as well.

On to the obnoxious celebrities…

10. Angelina Jolie

Angelina is not even remotely attractive, and the whole hoarding of children routine is getting very, very old.

9. Dane Cook

I think I laughed at a Dane Cook joke once – the key word being once.

8. Tiki Barber

He has gone from being the obnoxious running back on the New York Giants, to the obnoxious talk show guy on NBC.

7. Tyra Banks

Tyra Banks is like Oprah; if Oprah was retarded.

6. Justin Long

I can’t decide which I hate more, the Mac commercials featuring Justin Long, or the movies featuring Justin Long.

5. Rob Schneider

I don’t really understand how Rob Schneider was ever allowed to act in the first place, but beyond yelling “you can do it” in Water Boy, he hasn’t done anything even remotely worthwhile.

4. Shia Labeouf

Apparently the key to success for no talent hacks is to somehow convince Steven Spielberg he should put you in his awful, awful movies.

3. Ashton Kutcher

I defy anyone to argue they would not punch Ashton Kutcher in the face if given the opportunity.

2. Any Wayans Offspring

I once watched that Wayans movie about the midget who was pretending to be a baby (not by choice), and I died A LOT on the inside.

1. Carlos Mencia

This video from College Humor can explain everything far better than I ever could.

Bonus Celebrity: Jonah Hill

Jonah Hill is nothing more than an unfunny version of Seth Rogen, and Jason Segel is the funniest actor in the Judd Apatow group, might I add.

There is my abridged version of this weeks top ten. Don’t worry; I’ll be back with a full version for next week.

Oh, and don’t forget to check out today’s Juice and the Kicker banter.

-Juice

The Banter

As I mentioned yesterday, we are trying something new today. And, might I add, we are really just spoiling you at this point. This will be the third day of double posting...or, depending on how you look at it, our first day of quadruple posting.

This premise for this new spiel is as follows:

We pick a topic and basically banter back and forth - much like if we were emailing back and forth and you were all cc'd. I'm not really sure how this will work, or if it will work at all, but we'll see how it goes. We'll be updating throughout the day, and each of us will get in about 5 or 6 responses between now and whenever we decide to end, so feel free to follow along with us as we go. Otherwise, you can come back at the end of the day and be treated to our full day of banter, as well as the top ten.

Also, you are all a bunch of flip flopping fools. If Ik new how to make it so you couldn't change your vote every 10 frigging minutes I would, but apparently Blogger doesn't make that possible. Whatever. As of noon central standard time, I am calling "obnoxious celebrities" as the winner of the top ten election, and I don't even need a magic map to do it.

Because the election was so close, and you all change your votes more often than Lindsay Lohan changes her sexual orientation, we're going to kill two birds with one stone and discuss hot female (male?) athletes in this little experiment today.

So I guess without further ado...

Juice (12:04 pm): You know what my problem with female athletes is? There aren't enough attractive ones. I realize that softball, basketball, and hockey players are all actually guys, so you can't expect much there, but why aren't there more hot tennis players? I mean we have Maria Sharapova, Ana Ivanovic, and maybe a few others, but really shouldn't there be more? We're talking about a group of women who are usually in their early to mid twenties, athletic, obviously in very good shape, and often wear short skirts and low cut tops while running around. It's the worst trick ever. You'll be flipping through channels, stop on a tennis match for a second thinking "hmm she looks kind of cute," then, BAM! Holy-freaking-butter face. Yeesh.

Then you have gymnasts. Sure there are a fair number of good looking gymnasts, but they are hot in an "I may be a pedophile" sort of way. You never know if gymnasts are 12 or 22. Even if they are 22, you don't know that while watching their routine, and you have to either Google them to find out, or wait for one of the announcers to tell you their age. Of course, by that time you are already done jerking off so you're sitting there wondering if you just mentally molested a minor.

Lastly, I would like to introduce Jennie Finch to the conversation, since I know she will come up at some point today. She is not attractive. At all. I know you have a soft spot in your heart for Ms. Finch, but I have only one soft thing for her - my penis. She is a beast of a woman. Shudder.

Look at that picture. She is a thick woman. Not fat, but thick.

And, for the record, she is 6' 1" 174 lbs. I am 6' 1" 190 lbs. If you find Jennie Finch attractive you are essentially saying I am also a smoking hot female. Which is fair I suppose, I am very pretty.

Your move Sir Kicks-a-Lot.

The Kicker (2:36pm): Well, I don't really know where to go from there but I do agree. There are surprisingly few attractive female athletes. My question is why? Well to start, they are usually the size of a college linebacker or are actually former college linebackers who had their penis cut off.

But realistically the numbers don't add up. Think about your high school. If you take all the athletes in high school you undoubtedly have some very attractive ones. So if you figure every high school in the country has hot female athletes how come so few of these girls turn "pro"?

My theory is all the cute ones get knocked up or just quit sports to be professionally good looking.

I am attracted to girls in sports attire. Juice will agree that a girl rocking a Joe Mauer shirsey (t-shirt jersey made into one word) is a sexy sight if she is attractive. However, ugly girls wearing the same attire just piss me off because they don't deserve to wear anything cool.

I will sum up my thoughts and wait for the response from Juice Bag.

Female athletes who are attractive are more attractive because they play sports. There is an oddly small amount of attractive female athletes at the higher levels. Most female athletes are males who had their penis cut off.

Respond a way Juice

Juice (3:oo pm): Response away or respond away? Oh never mind, it's just silly grammar.

First of all, you didn't defend your girl Jennie Finch. What's up with that?

Second, as the resident soccer expert (also known as douche bag) I would like you to explain what happens to all the hot soccer girls. At least half the girls who play soccer in high school and college are hot, and then they just fall off the face of the earth. Now, maybe this is because I just don't know of any profesional female soccer players, but I'm pretty sure if they were hot enough they would get some publicity. There should be at least a few smoking hotties in the bunch. Right?

Here, by the way, are my top five female athletes:

5. Maria Verchenova (Golf - I just found out about her today, but she is adorable)
4. Biba Golic (Table Tennis - we're using the term "athlete" loosely here)
3. Paula Creamer (Golf)
2. Maria Sharapova (Tennis)
1. Allison Stokke (Track and Field)

I would like to see your top five. If Danica Patrick is in it, you are no longer allowed to exist. Oh and I am 95% sure Allison Stokke is perfect.

I will end with two questions. First: Who is hotter, the hot girl in a Joe Mauer jersey, or the Joe Mauer in a Joe Mauer jersey. Ponder that one, my friend.

And, speaking of hot girls wearing sports attire, how bout girls who wear pink jerseys or caps? There is nothing worse than a hot girl wearing a pink Twins jersey and Twins hat. You want to talk about a prime candidate for a donkey punch...

I know you have strong feelings about this subject as well, because we have had extensive conversations about it in the past.

And lastly, would you rather make out with Tom Brady, or a random member of your college's softball team? I've seen several members of the St. Scholastica Saints softball team so I think the answer is fairly obvious here...

You're up Little Miss Kickshine.

The Kicker (7:53pm): I didn't defend Jennie Finch because I am lazy and somewhat agree. The only reason I cannot completely agree is because The Kicker's Girlfriend is willing to have a threesome with Jennie Finch and me so I would have to agree to that.

I don't believe in women's soccer as being a sport but since table tennis is I would say there are in fact hot "professional" women's soccer players but no one cares at all about any of them.

My top 5 is very similar to yours. It looks something like this.

5. Amanda Beard (swimming)

4. Paula Creamer (golf)

3. Ana Ivanovic (tennis)

2. Maria Sharapove (tennis)

1. Alisson Stokke (perfection)

I prefer the girl in the Joe Mauer jersey but maybe that's because I'm straight.

I will not get into it too much now but I firmly believe there should be a constitutional amendment outlawing pink sports attire unless it is on Mother's Day. (this will be a blog post soon)

And based on the girls of the St. Scholastica softball team I would for sure sleep with Tom Brady, but maybe thats just the straight part of me talking again.

Take it away J-Gay


Juice (11:09 pm): Well I think I'm going to wrap this up for today. As a final thought I would just like to say that I would definitely make out with Tom Brady before almost any college softball player on the planet.


On that final note, I bid you all adieu. I must rest up for my two and a half hours of the cluster fuck known as college graduation tomorrow.

The Right Way

Alright, it's 2:45 in the morning, and I may or may not be a little tipsy, but I just cannot let this left handed propaganda stand.

This entire argument is really quite simple. The world is made for righties, and you minuscule lefties are just cogs in our right handed machine. Everything is built for righties for one very simple reason: lefties are worthless turds.

Fact: Lefties have shorter life span (good, get rid of them I say).

Fact: Lefties smell funny.

Fact: Lefties are 97% more likely to become serial killers and/or rapists.

Fact: Lefties caused AIDS.

Fact: I am using the word "fact" very loosely.

Let's just be completely honest here, lefties are cramping the style of a very right handed world. While I get to sit here monkeying with my mouse without the slightest bit of awkwardness or trepidation, lefties have to paw around like a retard looking for a light switch. Which sounds better to you?

Also, when one of your biggest claims to left handed fame is a puppet frog who has based his entire existence on trying to fuck a puppet pig, I don't think that is something to brag about. I mean, come on, Miss Piggy is a total bitch.

Also, Kent Hrbek is, in fact, not left handed. He batted left and threw right, which means he is actually right handed. Oh, and same with Ted Williams. Solid research on that one.

You also failed to recognize the biggest tool in sports history, Barry Bonds, is left handed. Gross.

See, the problem with your left handed list is that it basically includes every single worthwhile lefty in the history of the world. Congratulations, you have 17 interesting people, and that is assuming you include the puppet, the two who aren't actually left handed, Bruce Willis, and Julia Roberts. And, by the way, you can have Bruce Willis and Julia Roberts, the righties only want the talented/attractive people.

Subtract those five, and you are down to 12 worthwhile lefties. Congrat-u-fucking-lations, What happened to the rest? Did they all die too young?

Oh and anyone who claims that Yoda is left handed is a fucking moron, Jedis are obviously ambidextrous.

The fact is the left hand is nothing more than a worthless claw that exists for the sole purpose of creating symmetry for the vastly superior right hand.

And, as a final note, let's just be completely honest here. The Kicker tore his ACL playing soccer, proving, as he has time and time again, that lefties have absolutely no athletic ability. It would
be less embarrassing to tear your ACL playing hop scotch or some shit.

In conclusion, I would just like to extend one giant right handed middle finger to the craptacular waste of space lefties of the world.

-Juice

P.S. The term southpaw stems from the days when baseball fields were all built so that home plate faces the east (to keep the sun out of the batters eye). Because of this, left handed pitchers would arm would be facing south, thus they were called southpaws. For the record, though, you can only call yourself a southpaw if you don't throw like a girl. Because 97% of lefties, in fact, throw like girls, only a minority of them can actually call themselves southpaws. And, no, The Kicker is definitely not part of this minority.

Everything Left

I was texting with Little Juice a few weeks back and he recommended a post about left handed people. Since me, him, The Kicker's Girlfriend and of course a slew of other awesome people are left handed I decided to listen. Also, this will really bother Juice a lot.

Now, being left handed has some disadvantages. One being that nearly everything is built for right handed people so we must use our superior skills to combat this and still be better than right handed people. Another is that writing with pens or using markers usually makes our left hand dirty, but fuck it, we don't care.

Now that I listed basically all of the cons I will list a few pros and throw out a few incredibly famous (and awesome) left handed people.

One of the big pros is we are rare. If life was a pack of baseball cards right handed people would be the regular cards and left handed people would be the valuable inserts. I like to consider myself Honus Wagner, but hey, thats just me.

Another pro is that we are called Southpaws which makes little or no sense but sounds cool.

Finally, being left handed is awesome because in sports (like basketball and baseball) people get confused and are not sure how to handle our awesomeness.

Oh, this is random but there is a Simpson's episode focused on left handed people when Flanders open the Leftorium. I believe Mr. Burns and Moe are both left handed.

Now that I have listed the minor cons and massive pros I will make a list of five notable lefties in sports, movies and a few surprises. After this I will be done with this post (I am falling asleep as I took Tylenol PM like 25 minutes ago)

5. Oprah, Bruce Willis, Alan Thicke (haha), Julia Roberts and Kermit the Frog (famous people/puppters from TV/movies)

4. Steve Young (NFL Quarterback)

3. Willis Reed, Bill Russell and Bill Walton (NBA players)

2. Ted Williams, Babe Ruth, Kent Hrbek (Minnesota needed to be represented), Sandy Koufax (he is a Jew), Ken Griffey Jr. and Lefty Grove (Professional baseball players)

1. Bill Clinton and Barack Obama (President's of the United States of America)

You might not like my list. You might think its a bad order but I don't care. This is a small sample of the great left handed people. Other ones I left off the list because I don't think it can be proved is Yoda and Joan of Arc.

There are very few left handed NFL stars because of the blocking scheme needed for a left handed quarterback. Below is the link where I found nearly all of this information and you can see the complete list.

-The Kicker

Double Dip Tomorrow

Just wanted to let everyone know tomorrow will be another double post day.

The Kicker and I are going to try something new, which I am not going to give away at this point because it is a surprise. Show up tomorrow and find out. The top ten will also be up tomorrow as scheduled.

Also, little FYI, the Random Thoughts will show up on Sunday instead of Saturday since I won't have time for much random thinking until then, and I'm sure I'll have some graduation related musings for you on Sunday.

So the next few days will look like this:

Tonight: The Kicker? Maybe? I dunno he said he'd post today, so we'll find out whether he's a dirty liar.

Friday: New idea, Top Ten.

Saturday: Off-Day

Sunday: Random Thoughts

Just so everyone knows, the blog isn't going anywhere for the summer. So don't go dipping out on us just because it is sunny outside. Spend the sunny days outside, and the drunken late nights reading the blog. Sounds like a good summer to me.

-Juice

The QB That Shall Not be Named

Oh shit dawg, it's the double post...what what?!

Umm...yeah. Anyhoo...This is my second post of the day, so if you missed my earlier one scroll on down. Actually this one has nothing to do with my other post, so feel free to read them in any order you choose.

Oh shit dawg. Let's get this party started...

Alright, this isn't so much a party, as it is me throwing my hat into the Brett Favre ring. I know, I know, everybody is talking about Favre, but I want to make my feelings known, and then move on from the topic forever. Much like the illegal substance that shall not be named.

As a Vikings fan, I want Brett Favre. He is a better quarterback then Tavarais "Tjack" Jackson and Sage "Interception" Rosenfells. But, then again, I am a better quarterback than Tjack and Interception, plus I have a better nickname. Although, I would probably have to change my nickname if I were to play in the NFL to avoid pissing off O.J. You know, since he kills people. But I digress...

Like I said, I want Favre. What I don't want, however, is to keep talking about Favre. He is nothing more than a narcissist who loves the media circus surrounding him. He has been performing this same old retirement song and dance every offseason for the last few years, moreso last year than any other, but that wasn't the first time he threatened retirement.

My biggest beef, aside from the simple fact that Favre dominates the sports airwaves, is that the "news" about him is nothing more than celebrity gossip. Don't get me wrong, I love celebrity gossip as much as the next person, but only when it is interesting. Stories about x-rays that may or may not have been sent to the Vikings, or stories about how Favre may or may not be willing to have surgery, are not interesting. If Favre decided his arm would no longer suffice, and he was having it surgically replaced with a younger, better model, then that would be news. But, since that probably isn't happening (or is it? Maybe I should throw that into the rumor mill) nothing about Favre is interesting right now. Besides, the reality is he just wants to stall until OTA's and minicamps are over. (FYI: OTA = Organized Team Activities. Why Favre wouldn't want to take part in any activity with an organization that once organized a sex boat is beyond me, but that is neither here nor there.)

Everybody with any form of knowledge believes Favre will sign with the Vikings before the end of the offseason, but those same people say he will drag the process out as long as possible to avoid any exta work. Why the Vikings are OK with this is a mystery, but whatever.

I'm just sick of hearing about Favre, and would like him to either go away, or just sign a freaking contract. That's all I ask.

So starting now, Favre becomes the QB that shall not be named. Much like the substance that shall not be named, he will no longer be spoken of on this site - until he signs with the Vikings, that is. And, if you are wondering, I am planning on getting to the point where everything I write about is "the something that shall not be named." Reading my posts will be like playing Mad Libs, except way more annoying.

-Juice