Random Thoughts...

...The last assignment in one of my classes was a revised version of a paper we wrote a few weeks ago. Basically, the assignment called for "significant revision," with the parameters going from 8-10 pages on the first paper, to 10-15 pages on the second paper. It was my last assignment of regulation (actual class) before overtime (finals). I couldn't possibly imagine a situation where I am less motivated to do something than rewrite a paper I already got a B on. Why would I possibly care? And more importantly, why not just make us write one paper? I've written a shit ton of papers in my academic career, you aren't teaching me anything by making me write the same thing twice. (Juice)

...I would also like to note that the aforementioned paper was due at 5 pm on a Friday afternoon. Obviously, this means, since I am done with class at 1 pm on Fridays, I will wait until Friday afternoon to actually finish the paper. More importantly, though, who the fuck makes something due at 5 pm on a Friday? Are you really going to be in your office? (Nope, she wasn't.) (Juice)

...People who feel the need to listen to their IPod at all times annoy me. Do you really need it between classes? Is the walk from your friend’s apartment to your apartment really so far that you need music? Take the fucking headphones off, you look like a douche. (Juice)

...I'm sick of people saying "came" as the past tense of "cum." The correct form is actually “cummed." "Come" and "cum" are two completely different words. None of the definitions of the word "come" mean to ejaculate. The word "cum" is a slang word that people have conditioned to mean "to ejaculate." "Cum" doesn't become "came" in the past tense just because "come" becomes "came" in the past tense. The English language isn't that fucking hard people. (Juice)

...Little word of advice: if you have a paper due at noon on Wednesday, don't put it off until literally the last minute. You'll end up drinking coffee at 10 pm, staying awake til 6 am, and having your entire sleep cycle thrown off for the rest of the week. You'll also end up waking up on Thursday at 9:10 am for your class that started at 9:00, scampering across campus to salvage what is left of the final exam review, and end up sitting there for 10 minutes before the professor lets everyone out early from what turned out to be a completely worthless class period. (Juice)

...This site is fantastic. A few of the highlights:

(209): dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
(1-209): nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

(843): the red head has a bf
(1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

(302): Who goes to Church hungover
(717): Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

...Mythbusters is one of the five worst shows on TV. I don't get how anybody watches it. The guys are annoying, the myths are lame, and the experiments are unbearably boring to watch. (Juice)

...Reason #2190840871 that Jose Canseco is a douche. (Juice)

...This is one of the five most random things I have ever seen. (Click the link before moving on to the next random thought; I don't want to ruin the picture for you.) (Juice)

...I love the looks on the faces of the three in the above picture. Matt Garza looks like he is concocting an elaborate scheme to wrangle himself a threesome. Britsol Palin looks like she is about to fall for an elaborate scheme to be wrangled into a threesome. And Hayden Panttierre looks like a whore who is more than willing to take place in a threesome, but thinks she is far too important to take part in that threesome. (Juice)

...Also, Bristol Palin is better looking that Hayden Panttierre. Who knew? (Juice)

...I can't take another summer of Favre. Everybody knows you are going to eventually sign with the Vikings, and are just looking for an excuse to skip as many preseason workouts, so just freakin sign so we don't have to go through another summer of your prima donna routine. I mean if we were looking at the summer of George that would be one thing, but I just can't handle another summer of Favre. (Juice)

...How do you defend yourself against the man with two dildos? (I promise that isn't porn, just trust me and click it.) (Juice)

…The media annoys me for a lot of reasons, but mostly because they blow stupid shit out of proportion. In the last couple of days I watched shows that have centered around the controversy of Miss California, Carrie Prejean, posing nude for a photo shoot (she isn’t actually nude) and Jon from Jon and Kate Plus Eight banging someone other than Kate. Who the fuck cares? And, for that matter, I watched like two minutes of Jon and Kate Plus Eight once and I wanted to punch Kate in the face, so I can’t blame the guy for cheating on her. More importantly, though, how is that in any way a news story? That just pisses me off. As for Miss California, so she posed for some pictures to try and break in the modeling industry. THAT’S WHAT MODELS DO. IT ISN”T FUCKING NEWS. Ugh. (Juice)

Juice's Top Ten: Reasons to Skip Class

Alright, I'm back with the top ten. Once again, I apologize for the week that I essentially disappeared. Of course, I didn't technically disappear, although that would have been preferable to the two papers and 10 minute presentation I had to do this week. But I digress.

I know I screwed up the voting by yanking the "politically correct" option from the poll, but I decided I didn't want to do that list for various reasons. Like I said, I will write a post about politically correctness because it annoys me, but I'm not going to run down a top ten list of politically correct terms.

Lastly, before I start the list, I just want to say I will be blogging more next week, hopefully everday, to make up for my lackluster week here. Hopefully I'll have a decent set of Random Thoughts for you tomorrow as well.

Anyway, on to the top ten reasons to skip class list many of you have apparently been waiting for...

10. Swine Flu

Everybody is expecting this one, so let’s just get it out of the way. If you have swine flu (or H1N1 or R2D2 flu or whatever the fuck they are calling it now) don’t go to class, especially if you are in my class. I don’t need that. Quite frankly, the whole swine flu thing has been blown out of proportion, but regardless, nobody wants that. Although, if I catch swine flu I’m bringing down as many people as I can with me. Just a little FYI.

9. Nice Weather

You know those last few days of fall when it’s still nice? Or those first days of spring when the snow is finally gone and the sun is finally out? Who wants to go to class? The answer is, of course, nobody. So just don’t go. Skip away and enjoy the day. (Yep, I’m straight Seussin it dawg.) Seriously, though, if it is over 60 degrees outside, class can screw off. And, if you have some sort of exam or assignment due, just tell your professor you have explosive diarrhea (more on that later), they are sure to count it as an excused absence. Just make sure they don’t see you pretending to be athletic by playing ultimate Frisbee.

8. Torn ACL (dedicated to The Kicker)

So The Kicker tore up his knee. He did so playing soccer. Yes. Soccer. It’s one thing if you mess up your knee playing a real sport, or at least something that takes something resembling talent or athletic ability. But soccer? Really? I mean what the hell? Did he step on his vagina? Regardless, I can only imagine what it feels like to tear an ACL, and I assume it isn’t pleasant, but I would take advantage of that like crazy and skip as much class as possible. Of course, The Kicker is on summer vacation so that just blows.

7. Working on an Assignment

This one is the most ironic of anything on the list. Skipping school to work on school is always a catch-22, because it blows either way. As an eternal procrastinator, however, I know what it is like to forego one class in favor of working on another. Hell, sometimes you have to skip class to work on an assignment for the class you are skipping. How can the professor even be mad? At least you are boning up on their class. And speaking of boning…

6. Afternoon Delight

Skyyyyyy-rockets in flight…Afternoon delight…AAAAAfternoon delight. If your significant other (or some random whore I suppose) stops by for a little afternoon lovin, you are morally obligated to forego class that day. Yes, morally obligated. Get it while you can. Bonus points, by the way, if you are getting it from the professor of the class you are skipping. Of course in that case, the professor would have to skip class too, so ultimate bonus points if you can convince him or her to send out an email that says class is cancelled because he or she is “laid up.”

5. Hungover/Still Drunk

Now I’m not saying a person necessarily should go out and get wasted on a week night, but if you do, class should definitely be optional the next day. Then again if you are actually hungover or still drunk during class, it is probably a pretty sure sign you are on the fast track to alcoholism. Bonus points, however, if you can somehow convince your professor to bring a keg to class (followed by some afternoon delight, of course).

4. Explosive Diarrhea/Anal Leakage

Whether or not you actually have explosive diarrhea, or any form of anal leakage, if you are willing to tell your professor that you can’t make it class because you’re shitting in streams, you deserve to miss class. I’ve always wondered, by the way, what exactly “anal leakage” is when medication lists it as a side effect. And, more importantly, why would anybody possibly take something that could cause anal leakage? I don’t get it. By the way, if you actually have explosive diarrhea/anal leakage, and aren’t just using it as an excuse to skip class, then I feel sorry for you. Oh, and gross.

3. Sleep

I like sleep. In fact, I like sleep a lot. I especially like sleep when I have spent the last few days not getting enough of it. Here’s the thing about class, especially 8 am class, if I don’t have enough sleep there is no reason for me to be there anyway. I just don’t function well if I’m not fully rested. Plus, I just don’t like getting up at 7 am. It’s unpleasant. Honestly, if you want me to show up everyday, don’t schedule your class for 8 in the morning. That’s just not a good time for me.

2. Your Team’s Opening Day

The Kicker and I have been to the Twins’ home opener seven straight years and counting. That also means that I have skipped at least one class the last four years of school. The Twins’ are just simply more important than class. Granted, I’ve always been lucky that the Twins opener has never fallen on a day when I have a presentation or exam, but I still would have weaseled by way out regardless. That’s why you always need have that explosive diarrhea in your back pocket. Not literally of course.

1. Your Team’s Playoff Game

This one is similar to opening day, but about 1000 times more important. I’ve always wondered what would happen if the Twins made the World Series and the scheduling went back to the old days when games were played during the day. That would make for an interesting week, because I wouldn’t attend a single class. Luckily (or possibly unfortunately, depending on how you look at it) I am done with class so I will never find out how that situation would play out.

-Juice

To: Fans From: Kicker's Bed

Yes, that is right. I am blogging in bed. The reasons for this may seem obvious but I suffered a potentially severe knee injury today and laying down is better than standing. Anyway, I am not sure if this injury will lead to me blogging more or less, but I will in fact work hard to continue blogging. So far the problems resulting from my knee injury are many and here we go...

#10- I am suppose to go to the Twins game tomorrow and I don't know if I'll be able to

#9- Try peeing on one leg, its not that easy

#8- Crutches are only fun when you can hand them back to the kid with the broken leg, when they are yours, it sucks.

#7- Its going to be awkward to call the place I work and tell them I can't come in...I haven't even started yet.

#6- Sleeping on your back is more difficult than it should be

#5- Stairs.

#4- Does anyone really want to have surgey or rehab?

#3- Can I drink while on prescription pain meds? We will find out.

#2- I got hurt on the first day of summer. All the fun at the lake, potentially blowing up in my face, like my knee as I crumbled to the ground

and the #1 problems that has arisen from my current knee injury is........I am seriously contemplating borrowing my 84 year old grandmother's cane.

I want to point out this seemed much better before I wrote it, I'm very tired, Tylenol PM is kicking in and my leg hurts.

(Manny is telling the truth, Favre is a fuck face moron bitch ass)

-The Kicker

Quick Juicey Note

Dear Readers,

I just wanted to post quick to say that I am very busy this week with school, and won't be able to write anything until my Top Ten on Friday. So please feel free to take up any issues with a lack of blogging this week with The Kicker. I need to graduate people. Then it will be blogging smoothe sailing. I'll be blogging so often it will be like Tweeting, but less annoying.

Also, in regards to the top ten this week, I have decide to strike "Annoying politcally correct phrases" from the list of choices. To appease those who voted for it, I will write a general piece on why political correctness is annoying and absurd (coming next Monday). I will be plenty sarcastic, as I'm sure you are all looking for, but I will not be running down a complete top ten list of annoying politically correct terms. I have changed my mind and that is final.

With that in mind, please recast your vote for another choice in the poll, otherwise as it stands right now, I will be running down the top ten reasons to skip class.

That is all. Have a good week, and enjoy The Kicker until Friday.

Love,
Juice

Kicker Hates..."That Guy"

Well, I was harassed by little Juice so I decided to pump out a quick blog entry. I refuse to call it a column or else we'll go bankrupt like every newspaper in America. (Unless they are like the Minneapolis Star Tribune who ask Twins fans walking into the game to buy the newspaper...good luck with that by the way)

Anyway, I was reflecting the other day about how many people I dislike. Now, unlike your usual racist/sexist/communist I do not hate real groups of people but instead types of people (that sounds much better). In this case, I hate "that guy". I plan on making this a whole series of people and you will all relate perfectly to everyone one of them.

The first guy I hate is "guy who thinks he is awesome because he was a great athlete at a really small school". I was on my campus the other day and realized my entire school is full of these people, but none more than this one kid. He walks around with his pierced ears, Hollister athletic shorts and cocky ass grin on his face, and for what reason you ask?

Because he was awesome at 9-man football. Yes, apparently that means something, to someone, somewhere and he just happens to be someone I see everyday.

This is the guy who when you walk into his dorm room is watching his high school highlight video with the skanky girl from upstairs to try and impress her. This is the guy who wears his conference champs t-shirt with the opponents name and score of the game on his shirt to class like 3 times a week. The shirt reads something like this: (This is football by the way)
Opponent Score
Pineville-Meyertown-Hickson 63-5 (yes, 5)
Davidson-Alberton-Dayton 111-7

You get the point...anyway, I hate this guy. I hate all guys like him. But most of all, I hate the stupid shit they say.

"When I was in high school we only had 18 kids in my class and it was fun". No, it wasn't fun. It was only fun because you had no other experiences and had to associate with the other douchey guys and ugly girls who make up your pathetic village.

Oh yea, another thing about this guy is he probably ends up dating a girl who is way to hot for him but only after she slept with 1/2 the guys on his dorm floor and they all know it but he doesn't. If anyone doesn't know the kind of guy I am talking about, I hope you can better relate to tomorrow's guy of "weight room guy". Let me tell you, I hate weight room guy.

Back to guy who thinks he is awesome because he was a great athlete at a really small school. He goes out for the college team and makes it but never plays, but tells everyone who doesn't know better that he is hurt or coach hates him. He makes sure to wear his team issued sweatpants, sweatshirt, under armour, shoes, head band, hat and warm-up every day he isn't wearing his high school conference champions shirt or his "weight room warrior" shirt from high school.

This guy walks around like he owns the place, he has the same look as Kobe Bryant when Kobe goes off for 60, but he has it because he graced you with his presence in your 8am history class.

I could honestly go on forever about "this guy" but I have finals this week and I was tricked into writing this by little Juice. However, I like this and even though Jim Rome has similar rants, mine will be different and likely more profane as time goes on. This might be a weekly thing or just happens whenever I feel like bitchin' about shit.

-The Kicker

Random Thoughts...

...I always suspected that pigs would eventually kill us all. (Juice)

...So apparently the Yankees just figured out the economy is not doing great and people are in fact NOT willing to sell their souls. (The Kicker)

...Yes, but you must remember that Yankees fans never had souls to begin with. (Juice)

...It's annoying whe people talk about teams trading for or signing players, and say their team should only acquire a player if he is healthy. Why do people say this? Of course you should only acquire someone is healthy. It should go without saying. You aren't going to say, "well this guy has a torn ACL, and is out for the year, but I'll give up a players or millions of dollars for him anyway because he is awesome at being injured." (Juice)

...Have you ever thought about hand towels? You take all this time to wash your hands, hopefully with soap because if not you are a retarded jack ass, and then you whipe your hands on this towel that a bunch of other people have wiped their hands on. Doesn't this kind of defeat the purpose of washing your hands? Think of all the gross stuff people touch before they wipe their hands on a towel, too. People are disgusting. It's no wonder we are all going to die from swine flu. (Juice)

...Males and fat girls should be required to wear underwears at all times. I was sitting in class the other day when an apparently underwearless guy in front of me stood up. I got a whole lot of man ass. This is not ok. Someone needs to police this by checking to make sure every guy and fat girl is wearing underwear before they leave the house. I nominate The Kicker. (Juice)

...Reader Lisa Hawkinson pointed out the absurdity of using the phrase "go fuck yourself" as an insult. I completely agree that this is insane. It is in no way an insult. I mean, who doesn't want to fuck themself? I know I do. But then again, I am pretty, so maybe it is different for ugly people. You'd have to ask The Kicker that. (Juice)

...Umm....I don't even know how to respond to this video. I would, though, like to give a shoutout to the homeless guy who said "this ain't Easter." I believe the term you were looking for is Halloween, sir. (Juice)

...The new Transformers trailer is out, and if you think the first movie didn't have a plot, you ain't seen nothing yet. Unless Megan Fox gets naked, which she won't because the movie is PG-13, I can't think of a good reason to see this movie. The first one wasn't very good, Michael Bay is a tool, and as far as I can tell from the trailer, Revenge of the Fallen just looks like a combination of the first Transformers and Armageddon. And that isn't a good thing. (Juice)

...Speaking of movies about cartoons from the 80s, here is the trailer to G.I. Joe The Rise of Cobra. If you are a fan of the original G.I. Joe don't watch it, all it will do is make you depressed. I feel like they should have consulted the fans of the orginal Transformers and G.I. Joe before they made these crappy movies. (Juice)

Juice's Top Ten: Sports Rivalries

Since I didn't specify what I meant by "sports rivalries" in the poll, I'm going to use current rivalries. History matters, of course, but you won't find Ali vs Frazier on this list. I'm going with current sports rivalries because every shmuck in the world has made a list of all time rivalries and they are all basically the same; where, on the flip side, only every other shmuck has a list of current sports rivalries so they are a little less common. Although, also basically all the same as well.

Also, before I start, anyone who claims something is "too one-sided to be a rivalry," needs to buy a dictionary and look up the term "rival." It has nothing to do with who wins, it has to do with the competition between the two teams.

Oh, and the poll is up for next week's top ten, so vote away!

Now on to this week's list...

10b. Minnesota Vikings vs. Green Bay Packers
10a. Minnesota Twins vs. Chicago White Sox

My homer picks. Nobody outside of Minnesota, Green Bay, and Chicago actually cares about these rivalries, but I do and it is my list. Personally, the Twins vs. White Sox is the most important rivalry to me, but most of the country doesn’t even realize they are rivals. As for the Packers and Vikings, that rivalry matters more to Vikings fans than Packers fans. The Packers vs. Bears rivalry is far more important in Green Bay than the Packers vs. Bears. But like I said, this is my homer pick so my teams make 10b and 10a. I absolutely loathe the White Sox, might I add.

9. Whatever Dumbass College Football Rivalry You Follow

Let’s be completely honest here. Every single college football rivalry is the exact same thing. Nobody actually gives a crap outside of those respective schools. And yes, that includes you Ohio State and Michigan. Nobody cares. So just pick whatever college football team you follow, and stick their number one rival in this spot.

8. Chicago Cubs vs. St. Louis Cardinals

This rivalry is underrated. It’s not the Cardinals and Cubs fault Midwest fans aren’t as insane and douchey as east coast fans. However, if you ask Cubs and Cardinals fans what team they hate the most; their answer will always be the Cubs for Cardinals fans, and the Cardinals for Cubs fans. Plus, the Cardinals seem to always find a way to compete, so on those rare occasions when the Cubs are actually good, the Cardinals are usually their main competition. Seeing as how the Cubs are good this year, and the Cardinals are once again looking like contenders, I expect this rivalry to be even better than most seasons.

7. Chicago White Sox vs. Chicago Cubs/New York Yankees vs. New York Mets

These cross-town battles would probably be far more interesting if these teams played more often, but it seems the fans in these given cities seem to care quite a bit. Had the Mets actually been good in 2000, Subway Series fever probably would have swept the nation. Instead, they were swept. I think the people that live in these cities with two teams make too big a deal about their rivalry (they’re in different leagues after all) but Chicago and New York are so big, and the rest of the country finds the Cubs and Yankees so interest, that these battles become rivalries.

6. Tiger Woods vs. Phil Mickelson

Here is the first point on the list where stupid people will say, “This isn’t a rivalry, Tiger always beats Phil.” This is true, but that isn’t what it means to be “rivals.” Just ask Webster. The fact is, Tiger and Phil hate each other. Of course, pretty much everybody hates Phil and loves Tiger, so not only does Tiger dominate on the course, but in every other walk of life as well. Plus Tiger’s fist pump is way cooler than Phil’s awkward jump.

5. Philadelphia Phillies vs. New York Mets

There isn’t a ton of history to this particular rivalry, but in the last couple of years these two teams have gotten pretty intense. Both teams have talked smack in the media, and the division has come down to Philadelphia and New York the last two years. And probably will again. And hey, maybe this will finally be the year New York doesn’t pull a spectacular choke job.

4. New England Patriots vs. Indianapolis Colts

Again, not a lot of history to the Patriots vs. Colts rivalry, but it seems these two always go head to head for the AFC Championship, at least in the past decade or so. Couple that with the competition between the two best quarterbacks in Tom “Dreamy” Brady, and Peyton “Infinitely Less Dreamy” Manning, and you have yourself a full fledged rivalry.

3. Rafael Nadal vs. Roger Federer

I’m not big on tennis. But, then again, I don’t think anybody is all that big on tennis. The fact is, however, these two seem to meet in the finals of every major tournament. I put it at three, because they are by far the two best players in their sport, and are pretty much the only two that can even get people to watch tennis. Maybe Andy Roddick can get some viewers, but he is a failure. A massive failure. Then again, anyone who has a wife like Brooklyn Decker (see pic right), probably can’t be considered a failure.

2. Duke vs. North Carolina (Men’s Basketball)

Duke and North Carolina almost always play compelling games. The fans of these teams are arguably more passionate than any in sports (they aren’t actually, but one could make the argument). I’m not a huge college basketball fan, I enjoy it, but I’ not a huge fan, and I always find the Duke vs. North Carolina matchup compelling. I can only imagine what it would be like for people who actually live in North Carolina. But, then again, what else is there to do in North Carolina?

1. New York Yankees vs. Boston Red Sox

Anyone who tries to claim the Yankees vs. Red Sox isn’t the premiere rivalry in sports now, or ever, is an idiot. No way around it. People who don’t like these teams always try to claim nobody outside of New York and Boston cares about the Yankees vs. Red Sox rivalry. The fact is, however, there is a completely different energy to games between these two teams. Any true baseball fan finds this rivalry compelling. Between the history, and the fact that the two teams just plain don’t like each other, nothing can ever match Yankees vs. Red Sox. And if you think otherwise, you are retahded.

-Juice