It's Been a Magical Ride

I just wanted to quickly say thanks to everyone who has followed us (mostly me) here at Juice and The Kicker. This will be the final post, as I have decided to leave the blogosphere to pursue other projects.

Again, thanks to all the people who kept up with the blog in the last few months, as well as the 100s of perverts who showed up at our sit by googling "Marria Verchenova" Sorry if you were disappointed with the lack of nudity upon your discovery.

Keep on keepin on,

Juice

Juice's Top Ten: Obnoxious Celebrities

This is going to be a slightly abridged version of the top ten, as I am going to limit myself to one sentence per person. It’ll be like tweeting on each person.

Hopefully you’ve been keeping up with our banter today, but if not scroll down and check it out, we should still have a couple more updates for you tonight as well.

On to the obnoxious celebrities…

10. Angelina Jolie

Angelina is not even remotely attractive, and the whole hoarding of children routine is getting very, very old.

9. Dane Cook

I think I laughed at a Dane Cook joke once – the key word being once.

8. Tiki Barber

He has gone from being the obnoxious running back on the New York Giants, to the obnoxious talk show guy on NBC.

7. Tyra Banks

Tyra Banks is like Oprah; if Oprah was retarded.

6. Justin Long

I can’t decide which I hate more, the Mac commercials featuring Justin Long, or the movies featuring Justin Long.

5. Rob Schneider

I don’t really understand how Rob Schneider was ever allowed to act in the first place, but beyond yelling “you can do it” in Water Boy, he hasn’t done anything even remotely worthwhile.

4. Shia Labeouf

Apparently the key to success for no talent hacks is to somehow convince Steven Spielberg he should put you in his awful, awful movies.

3. Ashton Kutcher

I defy anyone to argue they would not punch Ashton Kutcher in the face if given the opportunity.

2. Any Wayans Offspring

I once watched that Wayans movie about the midget who was pretending to be a baby (not by choice), and I died A LOT on the inside.

1. Carlos Mencia

This video from College Humor can explain everything far better than I ever could.

Bonus Celebrity: Jonah Hill

Jonah Hill is nothing more than an unfunny version of Seth Rogen, and Jason Segel is the funniest actor in the Judd Apatow group, might I add.

There is my abridged version of this weeks top ten. Don’t worry; I’ll be back with a full version for next week.

Oh, and don’t forget to check out today’s Juice and the Kicker banter.

-Juice

The Banter

As I mentioned yesterday, we are trying something new today. And, might I add, we are really just spoiling you at this point. This will be the third day of double posting...or, depending on how you look at it, our first day of quadruple posting.

This premise for this new spiel is as follows:

We pick a topic and basically banter back and forth - much like if we were emailing back and forth and you were all cc'd. I'm not really sure how this will work, or if it will work at all, but we'll see how it goes. We'll be updating throughout the day, and each of us will get in about 5 or 6 responses between now and whenever we decide to end, so feel free to follow along with us as we go. Otherwise, you can come back at the end of the day and be treated to our full day of banter, as well as the top ten.

Also, you are all a bunch of flip flopping fools. If Ik new how to make it so you couldn't change your vote every 10 frigging minutes I would, but apparently Blogger doesn't make that possible. Whatever. As of noon central standard time, I am calling "obnoxious celebrities" as the winner of the top ten election, and I don't even need a magic map to do it.

Because the election was so close, and you all change your votes more often than Lindsay Lohan changes her sexual orientation, we're going to kill two birds with one stone and discuss hot female (male?) athletes in this little experiment today.

So I guess without further ado...

Juice (12:04 pm): You know what my problem with female athletes is? There aren't enough attractive ones. I realize that softball, basketball, and hockey players are all actually guys, so you can't expect much there, but why aren't there more hot tennis players? I mean we have Maria Sharapova, Ana Ivanovic, and maybe a few others, but really shouldn't there be more? We're talking about a group of women who are usually in their early to mid twenties, athletic, obviously in very good shape, and often wear short skirts and low cut tops while running around. It's the worst trick ever. You'll be flipping through channels, stop on a tennis match for a second thinking "hmm she looks kind of cute," then, BAM! Holy-freaking-butter face. Yeesh.

Then you have gymnasts. Sure there are a fair number of good looking gymnasts, but they are hot in an "I may be a pedophile" sort of way. You never know if gymnasts are 12 or 22. Even if they are 22, you don't know that while watching their routine, and you have to either Google them to find out, or wait for one of the announcers to tell you their age. Of course, by that time you are already done jerking off so you're sitting there wondering if you just mentally molested a minor.

Lastly, I would like to introduce Jennie Finch to the conversation, since I know she will come up at some point today. She is not attractive. At all. I know you have a soft spot in your heart for Ms. Finch, but I have only one soft thing for her - my penis. She is a beast of a woman. Shudder.

Look at that picture. She is a thick woman. Not fat, but thick.

And, for the record, she is 6' 1" 174 lbs. I am 6' 1" 190 lbs. If you find Jennie Finch attractive you are essentially saying I am also a smoking hot female. Which is fair I suppose, I am very pretty.

Your move Sir Kicks-a-Lot.

The Kicker (2:36pm): Well, I don't really know where to go from there but I do agree. There are surprisingly few attractive female athletes. My question is why? Well to start, they are usually the size of a college linebacker or are actually former college linebackers who had their penis cut off.

But realistically the numbers don't add up. Think about your high school. If you take all the athletes in high school you undoubtedly have some very attractive ones. So if you figure every high school in the country has hot female athletes how come so few of these girls turn "pro"?

My theory is all the cute ones get knocked up or just quit sports to be professionally good looking.

I am attracted to girls in sports attire. Juice will agree that a girl rocking a Joe Mauer shirsey (t-shirt jersey made into one word) is a sexy sight if she is attractive. However, ugly girls wearing the same attire just piss me off because they don't deserve to wear anything cool.

I will sum up my thoughts and wait for the response from Juice Bag.

Female athletes who are attractive are more attractive because they play sports. There is an oddly small amount of attractive female athletes at the higher levels. Most female athletes are males who had their penis cut off.

Respond a way Juice

Juice (3:oo pm): Response away or respond away? Oh never mind, it's just silly grammar.

First of all, you didn't defend your girl Jennie Finch. What's up with that?

Second, as the resident soccer expert (also known as douche bag) I would like you to explain what happens to all the hot soccer girls. At least half the girls who play soccer in high school and college are hot, and then they just fall off the face of the earth. Now, maybe this is because I just don't know of any profesional female soccer players, but I'm pretty sure if they were hot enough they would get some publicity. There should be at least a few smoking hotties in the bunch. Right?

Here, by the way, are my top five female athletes:

5. Maria Verchenova (Golf - I just found out about her today, but she is adorable)
4. Biba Golic (Table Tennis - we're using the term "athlete" loosely here)
3. Paula Creamer (Golf)
2. Maria Sharapova (Tennis)
1. Allison Stokke (Track and Field)

I would like to see your top five. If Danica Patrick is in it, you are no longer allowed to exist. Oh and I am 95% sure Allison Stokke is perfect.

I will end with two questions. First: Who is hotter, the hot girl in a Joe Mauer jersey, or the Joe Mauer in a Joe Mauer jersey. Ponder that one, my friend.

And, speaking of hot girls wearing sports attire, how bout girls who wear pink jerseys or caps? There is nothing worse than a hot girl wearing a pink Twins jersey and Twins hat. You want to talk about a prime candidate for a donkey punch...

I know you have strong feelings about this subject as well, because we have had extensive conversations about it in the past.

And lastly, would you rather make out with Tom Brady, or a random member of your college's softball team? I've seen several members of the St. Scholastica Saints softball team so I think the answer is fairly obvious here...

You're up Little Miss Kickshine.

The Kicker (7:53pm): I didn't defend Jennie Finch because I am lazy and somewhat agree. The only reason I cannot completely agree is because The Kicker's Girlfriend is willing to have a threesome with Jennie Finch and me so I would have to agree to that.

I don't believe in women's soccer as being a sport but since table tennis is I would say there are in fact hot "professional" women's soccer players but no one cares at all about any of them.

My top 5 is very similar to yours. It looks something like this.

5. Amanda Beard (swimming)

4. Paula Creamer (golf)

3. Ana Ivanovic (tennis)

2. Maria Sharapove (tennis)

1. Alisson Stokke (perfection)

I prefer the girl in the Joe Mauer jersey but maybe that's because I'm straight.

I will not get into it too much now but I firmly believe there should be a constitutional amendment outlawing pink sports attire unless it is on Mother's Day. (this will be a blog post soon)

And based on the girls of the St. Scholastica softball team I would for sure sleep with Tom Brady, but maybe thats just the straight part of me talking again.

Take it away J-Gay


Juice (11:09 pm): Well I think I'm going to wrap this up for today. As a final thought I would just like to say that I would definitely make out with Tom Brady before almost any college softball player on the planet.


On that final note, I bid you all adieu. I must rest up for my two and a half hours of the cluster fuck known as college graduation tomorrow.

The Right Way

Alright, it's 2:45 in the morning, and I may or may not be a little tipsy, but I just cannot let this left handed propaganda stand.

This entire argument is really quite simple. The world is made for righties, and you minuscule lefties are just cogs in our right handed machine. Everything is built for righties for one very simple reason: lefties are worthless turds.

Fact: Lefties have shorter life span (good, get rid of them I say).

Fact: Lefties smell funny.

Fact: Lefties are 97% more likely to become serial killers and/or rapists.

Fact: Lefties caused AIDS.

Fact: I am using the word "fact" very loosely.

Let's just be completely honest here, lefties are cramping the style of a very right handed world. While I get to sit here monkeying with my mouse without the slightest bit of awkwardness or trepidation, lefties have to paw around like a retard looking for a light switch. Which sounds better to you?

Also, when one of your biggest claims to left handed fame is a puppet frog who has based his entire existence on trying to fuck a puppet pig, I don't think that is something to brag about. I mean, come on, Miss Piggy is a total bitch.

Also, Kent Hrbek is, in fact, not left handed. He batted left and threw right, which means he is actually right handed. Oh, and same with Ted Williams. Solid research on that one.

You also failed to recognize the biggest tool in sports history, Barry Bonds, is left handed. Gross.

See, the problem with your left handed list is that it basically includes every single worthwhile lefty in the history of the world. Congratulations, you have 17 interesting people, and that is assuming you include the puppet, the two who aren't actually left handed, Bruce Willis, and Julia Roberts. And, by the way, you can have Bruce Willis and Julia Roberts, the righties only want the talented/attractive people.

Subtract those five, and you are down to 12 worthwhile lefties. Congrat-u-fucking-lations, What happened to the rest? Did they all die too young?

Oh and anyone who claims that Yoda is left handed is a fucking moron, Jedis are obviously ambidextrous.

The fact is the left hand is nothing more than a worthless claw that exists for the sole purpose of creating symmetry for the vastly superior right hand.

And, as a final note, let's just be completely honest here. The Kicker tore his ACL playing soccer, proving, as he has time and time again, that lefties have absolutely no athletic ability. It would
be less embarrassing to tear your ACL playing hop scotch or some shit.

In conclusion, I would just like to extend one giant right handed middle finger to the craptacular waste of space lefties of the world.

-Juice

P.S. The term southpaw stems from the days when baseball fields were all built so that home plate faces the east (to keep the sun out of the batters eye). Because of this, left handed pitchers would arm would be facing south, thus they were called southpaws. For the record, though, you can only call yourself a southpaw if you don't throw like a girl. Because 97% of lefties, in fact, throw like girls, only a minority of them can actually call themselves southpaws. And, no, The Kicker is definitely not part of this minority.

Everything Left

I was texting with Little Juice a few weeks back and he recommended a post about left handed people. Since me, him, The Kicker's Girlfriend and of course a slew of other awesome people are left handed I decided to listen. Also, this will really bother Juice a lot.

Now, being left handed has some disadvantages. One being that nearly everything is built for right handed people so we must use our superior skills to combat this and still be better than right handed people. Another is that writing with pens or using markers usually makes our left hand dirty, but fuck it, we don't care.

Now that I listed basically all of the cons I will list a few pros and throw out a few incredibly famous (and awesome) left handed people.

One of the big pros is we are rare. If life was a pack of baseball cards right handed people would be the regular cards and left handed people would be the valuable inserts. I like to consider myself Honus Wagner, but hey, thats just me.

Another pro is that we are called Southpaws which makes little or no sense but sounds cool.

Finally, being left handed is awesome because in sports (like basketball and baseball) people get confused and are not sure how to handle our awesomeness.

Oh, this is random but there is a Simpson's episode focused on left handed people when Flanders open the Leftorium. I believe Mr. Burns and Moe are both left handed.

Now that I have listed the minor cons and massive pros I will make a list of five notable lefties in sports, movies and a few surprises. After this I will be done with this post (I am falling asleep as I took Tylenol PM like 25 minutes ago)

5. Oprah, Bruce Willis, Alan Thicke (haha), Julia Roberts and Kermit the Frog (famous people/puppters from TV/movies)

4. Steve Young (NFL Quarterback)

3. Willis Reed, Bill Russell and Bill Walton (NBA players)

2. Ted Williams, Babe Ruth, Kent Hrbek (Minnesota needed to be represented), Sandy Koufax (he is a Jew), Ken Griffey Jr. and Lefty Grove (Professional baseball players)

1. Bill Clinton and Barack Obama (President's of the United States of America)

You might not like my list. You might think its a bad order but I don't care. This is a small sample of the great left handed people. Other ones I left off the list because I don't think it can be proved is Yoda and Joan of Arc.

There are very few left handed NFL stars because of the blocking scheme needed for a left handed quarterback. Below is the link where I found nearly all of this information and you can see the complete list.

-The Kicker

Double Dip Tomorrow

Just wanted to let everyone know tomorrow will be another double post day.

The Kicker and I are going to try something new, which I am not going to give away at this point because it is a surprise. Show up tomorrow and find out. The top ten will also be up tomorrow as scheduled.

Also, little FYI, the Random Thoughts will show up on Sunday instead of Saturday since I won't have time for much random thinking until then, and I'm sure I'll have some graduation related musings for you on Sunday.

So the next few days will look like this:

Tonight: The Kicker? Maybe? I dunno he said he'd post today, so we'll find out whether he's a dirty liar.

Friday: New idea, Top Ten.

Saturday: Off-Day

Sunday: Random Thoughts

Just so everyone knows, the blog isn't going anywhere for the summer. So don't go dipping out on us just because it is sunny outside. Spend the sunny days outside, and the drunken late nights reading the blog. Sounds like a good summer to me.

-Juice

The QB That Shall Not be Named

Oh shit dawg, it's the double post...what what?!

Umm...yeah. Anyhoo...This is my second post of the day, so if you missed my earlier one scroll on down. Actually this one has nothing to do with my other post, so feel free to read them in any order you choose.

Oh shit dawg. Let's get this party started...

Alright, this isn't so much a party, as it is me throwing my hat into the Brett Favre ring. I know, I know, everybody is talking about Favre, but I want to make my feelings known, and then move on from the topic forever. Much like the illegal substance that shall not be named.

As a Vikings fan, I want Brett Favre. He is a better quarterback then Tavarais "Tjack" Jackson and Sage "Interception" Rosenfells. But, then again, I am a better quarterback than Tjack and Interception, plus I have a better nickname. Although, I would probably have to change my nickname if I were to play in the NFL to avoid pissing off O.J. You know, since he kills people. But I digress...

Like I said, I want Favre. What I don't want, however, is to keep talking about Favre. He is nothing more than a narcissist who loves the media circus surrounding him. He has been performing this same old retirement song and dance every offseason for the last few years, moreso last year than any other, but that wasn't the first time he threatened retirement.

My biggest beef, aside from the simple fact that Favre dominates the sports airwaves, is that the "news" about him is nothing more than celebrity gossip. Don't get me wrong, I love celebrity gossip as much as the next person, but only when it is interesting. Stories about x-rays that may or may not have been sent to the Vikings, or stories about how Favre may or may not be willing to have surgery, are not interesting. If Favre decided his arm would no longer suffice, and he was having it surgically replaced with a younger, better model, then that would be news. But, since that probably isn't happening (or is it? Maybe I should throw that into the rumor mill) nothing about Favre is interesting right now. Besides, the reality is he just wants to stall until OTA's and minicamps are over. (FYI: OTA = Organized Team Activities. Why Favre wouldn't want to take part in any activity with an organization that once organized a sex boat is beyond me, but that is neither here nor there.)

Everybody with any form of knowledge believes Favre will sign with the Vikings before the end of the offseason, but those same people say he will drag the process out as long as possible to avoid any exta work. Why the Vikings are OK with this is a mystery, but whatever.

I'm just sick of hearing about Favre, and would like him to either go away, or just sign a freaking contract. That's all I ask.

So starting now, Favre becomes the QB that shall not be named. Much like the substance that shall not be named, he will no longer be spoken of on this site - until he signs with the Vikings, that is. And, if you are wondering, I am planning on getting to the point where everything I write about is "the something that shall not be named." Reading my posts will be like playing Mad Libs, except way more annoying.

-Juice

"Have You Found a Job Yet?"

I just finished my last final ever. Weird.

The entire situation has even remotley sunk in yet, and right now I'm just kind of in a weird, "huh, I'm done stage." I can't accuratley describe it, but I'm sure those of you who have graduated know what I am talking about. (And those of you who havent' graduated college, or completed something of equal magnitude, have zero idea what it is like, and have absolutley no ability to comment about it in anyway. None.)

I handed in that last final, and was literally walking down the hall giggling to myself, with a dumbass grin on my face. I'm sure I looked like a moron. The giggling was in part due to the fact that I somehow got a B+ on the paper I was supposed to revise last Friday, even though I siad "fuck it" and quit revising halfway through. Good for me, eh?

Mostly, though, I was just happy to be done.

I'm not really sure how to sum up my thoughts, but I wanted to throw up an editorial I wrote awhile back about the whole job search thing.

I know many people, a couple in particular, who should really heed these words. Nobody knows anything, and you are no different. No matter who you are. Anyway, enjoy...

“Have you found a job yet?”

This is the most common question a soon-to-be college graduate will hear in the coming days, weeks, and months.

It is also the most frustrating question a soon-to-be college graduate will hear in the coming days, weeks, and months.

Not because the answer is “no,” which it almost invariably is, but because everyone just assumes all 22-year-olds want to be working a 9-5 job immediately after graduation. Yet, is there a more depressing thought than that of spending your early to mid twenties stuck in a cubicle making $20,000 a year because “this will be the springboard to my success?” Thanks but no thanks.

College is meant to prepare students for a career, often in a specific area through specialized training – or “major,” if you will. That’s all well and good, except this ideology does nothing but create a paranoid army of young people who feel their lives depend on their first job.

They don’t.

Furthermore, if you think your major puts you on a track that guarantees one type of job, or is guaranteed to lead you in a specific direction, you are incredibly naive.

Yes, it sucks if you graduate from college and are still working for Domino’s – but only because Domino’s is disgusting. If you are delivering pizzas at 22 with college degree in hand because you are unsure of what you want, then more power to you.

You are far better off than the person who rushed into the corporate world because they were “supposed to.” Those are the people that look and act 40 by the time they are 28.

This isn’t to disparage those who have a job lined up. If you know what you want to do, and are prepared to do so, that is excellent. If you know for sure you want to work in the corporate world (or some other field), and want to get your foot in the door, go for it.

If, though, you aren’t ready for the 9-5 working world, or that isn’t what you actually want, then just relax and let things settle for awhile. 22 is not 72. Life hasn’t passed you by yet.

And next time someone asks “have you found a job yet?” just smile politely and realize they had no idea what they wanted at 22 either.

Hell, they were probably delivering pizzas.

-Juice

PC Thugs

Lisa: "She called me a PC thug"
Homer: "Ohhhh, I've been called a greasy thug too, and it never stops hurting"

- The Simpsons

That quote comes after Lisa turned in a paper revealing that Jebediah Springfield was a dirty scoundrel, and not actually the great pioneer Springfielders believed him to be. Really, it has nothing to do with the argument I am about to make about political correctness, but it is relatively apropos.

Political correctness is a detriment to society for several reasons. (And as an extension so are PC thugs).

First of all, the entire idea is communist. I don't mean like in a joking, calling someone communist for a stupid reason, way. I mean literally communist.

Second, it infringes on free speech. This portion is debatable, because it gets into the idea of how far does free speech go as a means to insult someone, but political correctness goes far beyond just being a safeguard for defamation.

My biggest issue with political correctness, though, is when people take terms that aren't offensive, and try to create a less offensive way to say them. Often times the PC thugs will take the technical term for something (i.e. mental retardation - yes that is the actual medical term for someone with lesser cognitive ability) and decide that term is inappropriate. Therefore, we are no longer allowed to call things by their correct name.

Let's look first, however, at the Communist nature of a PC world (not the nerd magazine). I'm not going to waste time explaining what Communism is, because neither you or I know enough about it to speak intelligently (if you claim you do, you're a pretentious self absorbed know-it-all liar). Regardless, we all know that Communism is based on the idea of equality, specifically the notion of socioeconomic equality. In elementary terms, it is a system of control.

And what, exactly, is political correctness? It is a system of control.

This, of course, doesn't mean that people should run around calling others derogatory names, but it also doesn't mean we need to censor people to the detriment of free speech. Should everyone start calling each other fags or cunts or retards? Obviously not, but any rational person already knows that.

When people decide you have to call a given social group a certain name, often without consulting that group in the first place, you are simply perpetuating Communist ideals.

For example, some of the PC powers that be have decided American Indians should only be referred to as "Native Americans." This is the politically correct terminology for a group of Native people. The fact is, however, that many of those Native people actually prefer the term "American Indian." Obviously, calling them "injuns" or "redskins" is offensive, but the average person (well the average person north of the Mason Dixon line, at least) knows these terms are offensive. People aren't that dumb.

People don't need to be protected from what they say. All this Communist censorship does is lead to confusion. What can I say? Can I call that person this? Can I call this person that? This confusion ultimately leads to people creating their own terminology and slang terms, slang terms that are far more offensive than anything the PC thugs are trying to censor.

The fact is, censorship in general goes against, at least last time I checked, the Constitution of the United States of America. I believe it says something about the right to free speech. For example, if I want to call The Kicker a fuck face goat licker, I can call The Kicker a fuck face goat licker. (Note I have never actually seen The Kicker lick a goat, I'm just alluding to the possibility that he may or may not have licked a goat at some point in his life.)

In all seriousness, though, over-censoring certain terminology is a form of infringing on freedom of speech.

Here is an example I encountered a couple of months ago:

I was writing an editorial about handicap parking at UMD (hey, look, here's the article) and was told by my editor I have to use the term "disabled" instead of "handicapped." So why, then, does every parking sign in the country refer to the parking spot as "handicap" parking? And why is this an issue? Handicap and disability are essentially synonyms. How did one become more offensive than the other? The Oxford English Dictionary definition for "handicap" is "a condition that markedly restricts a person’s ability to function physically, mentally, or socially." You know what the second definition of "disability" is? "A disadvantage or handicap."

They literally mean the same thing, so who decided I am not allowed to choose what terminology I use? The fact is, censorship is a fundamental impediment of free speech, and in the particular case above, freedom of the press as well.

The threat of Communism and the destruction of freedom of speech are not the biggest issues with a PC world. We're not going to be overtaken by communism any time soon, and the only reprimand against using politically incorrect terms are the bible thumpers and Republicans shouting about how terrible everyone who uses the term "gay" instead of "homosexual" are. (Even though, ironically, they hate gay people.)

The biggest issue with a PC world is that we are taking terms that aren't actually offensive, and trying to change them for no apparent reason. I shouldn't have to question whether or not I am allowed to call a retarded person retarded. The medical term for people with lesser cognitive abilities is, in fact, mentally retarded. It isn't mentally challenged, or mentally handicapped, or mentally disabled, it is mentally retarded. The fact that we have been ingrained to use "retard" as an insult is a completely different issue, and yet that is the exact reason people can no longer use this correct terminology.

People take certain terms and make them derogatory all the time, which is a completely separate issue than the realm of political correctness. (I blame religion, but that’s neither here nor there.)

The fact is, in the case of using these terms as an insult, the offensive part isn’t using the term itself, it is acting like an inoffensive term is actually offensive. Calling a straight person “gay” isn’t an insult. Calling a non-Jewish person a “Jew” isn’t an insult. The insulting thing about these terms is the people who believe they are insults in the first place (again, Bible thumpers and Republicans). I am neither gay nor Jewish, but for the life of me I cannot understand how calling me “a gay Jew” is supposed to be an insult. It is incredibly offensive because you are using it as an insult, but it’s not like there is anything wrong with being a gay Jewish person.

Not to get all after school special on you, but it is this intolerance that forces people to believe we need protection in the form of political correctness. The reality is, most of us don’t.

As long as people aren’t being intentionally insulting or derogatory, they should be allowed to say what they want. Political correctness is born out of a belief that we need a form of verbal protection. The reality is, however, the average person understands the difference between right and wrong. We can police ourselves. We do not a group of people deciding what we can and cannot say. We do not need a group of people censoring us.

We do not need the politically correct.

Given the choice between the PC thug and the greasy thug? Well, I’ll take the greasy thug every single time.

-Juice

Random Thoughts...

...The last assignment in one of my classes was a revised version of a paper we wrote a few weeks ago. Basically, the assignment called for "significant revision," with the parameters going from 8-10 pages on the first paper, to 10-15 pages on the second paper. It was my last assignment of regulation (actual class) before overtime (finals). I couldn't possibly imagine a situation where I am less motivated to do something than rewrite a paper I already got a B on. Why would I possibly care? And more importantly, why not just make us write one paper? I've written a shit ton of papers in my academic career, you aren't teaching me anything by making me write the same thing twice. (Juice)

...I would also like to note that the aforementioned paper was due at 5 pm on a Friday afternoon. Obviously, this means, since I am done with class at 1 pm on Fridays, I will wait until Friday afternoon to actually finish the paper. More importantly, though, who the fuck makes something due at 5 pm on a Friday? Are you really going to be in your office? (Nope, she wasn't.) (Juice)

...People who feel the need to listen to their IPod at all times annoy me. Do you really need it between classes? Is the walk from your friend’s apartment to your apartment really so far that you need music? Take the fucking headphones off, you look like a douche. (Juice)

...I'm sick of people saying "came" as the past tense of "cum." The correct form is actually “cummed." "Come" and "cum" are two completely different words. None of the definitions of the word "come" mean to ejaculate. The word "cum" is a slang word that people have conditioned to mean "to ejaculate." "Cum" doesn't become "came" in the past tense just because "come" becomes "came" in the past tense. The English language isn't that fucking hard people. (Juice)

...Little word of advice: if you have a paper due at noon on Wednesday, don't put it off until literally the last minute. You'll end up drinking coffee at 10 pm, staying awake til 6 am, and having your entire sleep cycle thrown off for the rest of the week. You'll also end up waking up on Thursday at 9:10 am for your class that started at 9:00, scampering across campus to salvage what is left of the final exam review, and end up sitting there for 10 minutes before the professor lets everyone out early from what turned out to be a completely worthless class period. (Juice)

...This site is fantastic. A few of the highlights:

(209): dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
(1-209): nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

(843): the red head has a bf
(1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

(302): Who goes to Church hungover
(717): Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

...Mythbusters is one of the five worst shows on TV. I don't get how anybody watches it. The guys are annoying, the myths are lame, and the experiments are unbearably boring to watch. (Juice)

...Reason #2190840871 that Jose Canseco is a douche. (Juice)

...This is one of the five most random things I have ever seen. (Click the link before moving on to the next random thought; I don't want to ruin the picture for you.) (Juice)

...I love the looks on the faces of the three in the above picture. Matt Garza looks like he is concocting an elaborate scheme to wrangle himself a threesome. Britsol Palin looks like she is about to fall for an elaborate scheme to be wrangled into a threesome. And Hayden Panttierre looks like a whore who is more than willing to take place in a threesome, but thinks she is far too important to take part in that threesome. (Juice)

...Also, Bristol Palin is better looking that Hayden Panttierre. Who knew? (Juice)

...I can't take another summer of Favre. Everybody knows you are going to eventually sign with the Vikings, and are just looking for an excuse to skip as many preseason workouts, so just freakin sign so we don't have to go through another summer of your prima donna routine. I mean if we were looking at the summer of George that would be one thing, but I just can't handle another summer of Favre. (Juice)

...How do you defend yourself against the man with two dildos? (I promise that isn't porn, just trust me and click it.) (Juice)

…The media annoys me for a lot of reasons, but mostly because they blow stupid shit out of proportion. In the last couple of days I watched shows that have centered around the controversy of Miss California, Carrie Prejean, posing nude for a photo shoot (she isn’t actually nude) and Jon from Jon and Kate Plus Eight banging someone other than Kate. Who the fuck cares? And, for that matter, I watched like two minutes of Jon and Kate Plus Eight once and I wanted to punch Kate in the face, so I can’t blame the guy for cheating on her. More importantly, though, how is that in any way a news story? That just pisses me off. As for Miss California, so she posed for some pictures to try and break in the modeling industry. THAT’S WHAT MODELS DO. IT ISN”T FUCKING NEWS. Ugh. (Juice)

Juice's Top Ten: Reasons to Skip Class

Alright, I'm back with the top ten. Once again, I apologize for the week that I essentially disappeared. Of course, I didn't technically disappear, although that would have been preferable to the two papers and 10 minute presentation I had to do this week. But I digress.

I know I screwed up the voting by yanking the "politically correct" option from the poll, but I decided I didn't want to do that list for various reasons. Like I said, I will write a post about politically correctness because it annoys me, but I'm not going to run down a top ten list of politically correct terms.

Lastly, before I start the list, I just want to say I will be blogging more next week, hopefully everday, to make up for my lackluster week here. Hopefully I'll have a decent set of Random Thoughts for you tomorrow as well.

Anyway, on to the top ten reasons to skip class list many of you have apparently been waiting for...

10. Swine Flu

Everybody is expecting this one, so let’s just get it out of the way. If you have swine flu (or H1N1 or R2D2 flu or whatever the fuck they are calling it now) don’t go to class, especially if you are in my class. I don’t need that. Quite frankly, the whole swine flu thing has been blown out of proportion, but regardless, nobody wants that. Although, if I catch swine flu I’m bringing down as many people as I can with me. Just a little FYI.

9. Nice Weather

You know those last few days of fall when it’s still nice? Or those first days of spring when the snow is finally gone and the sun is finally out? Who wants to go to class? The answer is, of course, nobody. So just don’t go. Skip away and enjoy the day. (Yep, I’m straight Seussin it dawg.) Seriously, though, if it is over 60 degrees outside, class can screw off. And, if you have some sort of exam or assignment due, just tell your professor you have explosive diarrhea (more on that later), they are sure to count it as an excused absence. Just make sure they don’t see you pretending to be athletic by playing ultimate Frisbee.

8. Torn ACL (dedicated to The Kicker)

So The Kicker tore up his knee. He did so playing soccer. Yes. Soccer. It’s one thing if you mess up your knee playing a real sport, or at least something that takes something resembling talent or athletic ability. But soccer? Really? I mean what the hell? Did he step on his vagina? Regardless, I can only imagine what it feels like to tear an ACL, and I assume it isn’t pleasant, but I would take advantage of that like crazy and skip as much class as possible. Of course, The Kicker is on summer vacation so that just blows.

7. Working on an Assignment

This one is the most ironic of anything on the list. Skipping school to work on school is always a catch-22, because it blows either way. As an eternal procrastinator, however, I know what it is like to forego one class in favor of working on another. Hell, sometimes you have to skip class to work on an assignment for the class you are skipping. How can the professor even be mad? At least you are boning up on their class. And speaking of boning…

6. Afternoon Delight

Skyyyyyy-rockets in flight…Afternoon delight…AAAAAfternoon delight. If your significant other (or some random whore I suppose) stops by for a little afternoon lovin, you are morally obligated to forego class that day. Yes, morally obligated. Get it while you can. Bonus points, by the way, if you are getting it from the professor of the class you are skipping. Of course in that case, the professor would have to skip class too, so ultimate bonus points if you can convince him or her to send out an email that says class is cancelled because he or she is “laid up.”

5. Hungover/Still Drunk

Now I’m not saying a person necessarily should go out and get wasted on a week night, but if you do, class should definitely be optional the next day. Then again if you are actually hungover or still drunk during class, it is probably a pretty sure sign you are on the fast track to alcoholism. Bonus points, however, if you can somehow convince your professor to bring a keg to class (followed by some afternoon delight, of course).

4. Explosive Diarrhea/Anal Leakage

Whether or not you actually have explosive diarrhea, or any form of anal leakage, if you are willing to tell your professor that you can’t make it class because you’re shitting in streams, you deserve to miss class. I’ve always wondered, by the way, what exactly “anal leakage” is when medication lists it as a side effect. And, more importantly, why would anybody possibly take something that could cause anal leakage? I don’t get it. By the way, if you actually have explosive diarrhea/anal leakage, and aren’t just using it as an excuse to skip class, then I feel sorry for you. Oh, and gross.

3. Sleep

I like sleep. In fact, I like sleep a lot. I especially like sleep when I have spent the last few days not getting enough of it. Here’s the thing about class, especially 8 am class, if I don’t have enough sleep there is no reason for me to be there anyway. I just don’t function well if I’m not fully rested. Plus, I just don’t like getting up at 7 am. It’s unpleasant. Honestly, if you want me to show up everyday, don’t schedule your class for 8 in the morning. That’s just not a good time for me.

2. Your Team’s Opening Day

The Kicker and I have been to the Twins’ home opener seven straight years and counting. That also means that I have skipped at least one class the last four years of school. The Twins’ are just simply more important than class. Granted, I’ve always been lucky that the Twins opener has never fallen on a day when I have a presentation or exam, but I still would have weaseled by way out regardless. That’s why you always need have that explosive diarrhea in your back pocket. Not literally of course.

1. Your Team’s Playoff Game

This one is similar to opening day, but about 1000 times more important. I’ve always wondered what would happen if the Twins made the World Series and the scheduling went back to the old days when games were played during the day. That would make for an interesting week, because I wouldn’t attend a single class. Luckily (or possibly unfortunately, depending on how you look at it) I am done with class so I will never find out how that situation would play out.

-Juice

To: Fans From: Kicker's Bed

Yes, that is right. I am blogging in bed. The reasons for this may seem obvious but I suffered a potentially severe knee injury today and laying down is better than standing. Anyway, I am not sure if this injury will lead to me blogging more or less, but I will in fact work hard to continue blogging. So far the problems resulting from my knee injury are many and here we go...

#10- I am suppose to go to the Twins game tomorrow and I don't know if I'll be able to

#9- Try peeing on one leg, its not that easy

#8- Crutches are only fun when you can hand them back to the kid with the broken leg, when they are yours, it sucks.

#7- Its going to be awkward to call the place I work and tell them I can't come in...I haven't even started yet.

#6- Sleeping on your back is more difficult than it should be

#5- Stairs.

#4- Does anyone really want to have surgey or rehab?

#3- Can I drink while on prescription pain meds? We will find out.

#2- I got hurt on the first day of summer. All the fun at the lake, potentially blowing up in my face, like my knee as I crumbled to the ground

and the #1 problems that has arisen from my current knee injury is........I am seriously contemplating borrowing my 84 year old grandmother's cane.

I want to point out this seemed much better before I wrote it, I'm very tired, Tylenol PM is kicking in and my leg hurts.

(Manny is telling the truth, Favre is a fuck face moron bitch ass)

-The Kicker

Quick Juicey Note

Dear Readers,

I just wanted to post quick to say that I am very busy this week with school, and won't be able to write anything until my Top Ten on Friday. So please feel free to take up any issues with a lack of blogging this week with The Kicker. I need to graduate people. Then it will be blogging smoothe sailing. I'll be blogging so often it will be like Tweeting, but less annoying.

Also, in regards to the top ten this week, I have decide to strike "Annoying politcally correct phrases" from the list of choices. To appease those who voted for it, I will write a general piece on why political correctness is annoying and absurd (coming next Monday). I will be plenty sarcastic, as I'm sure you are all looking for, but I will not be running down a complete top ten list of annoying politically correct terms. I have changed my mind and that is final.

With that in mind, please recast your vote for another choice in the poll, otherwise as it stands right now, I will be running down the top ten reasons to skip class.

That is all. Have a good week, and enjoy The Kicker until Friday.

Love,
Juice

Kicker Hates..."That Guy"

Well, I was harassed by little Juice so I decided to pump out a quick blog entry. I refuse to call it a column or else we'll go bankrupt like every newspaper in America. (Unless they are like the Minneapolis Star Tribune who ask Twins fans walking into the game to buy the newspaper...good luck with that by the way)

Anyway, I was reflecting the other day about how many people I dislike. Now, unlike your usual racist/sexist/communist I do not hate real groups of people but instead types of people (that sounds much better). In this case, I hate "that guy". I plan on making this a whole series of people and you will all relate perfectly to everyone one of them.

The first guy I hate is "guy who thinks he is awesome because he was a great athlete at a really small school". I was on my campus the other day and realized my entire school is full of these people, but none more than this one kid. He walks around with his pierced ears, Hollister athletic shorts and cocky ass grin on his face, and for what reason you ask?

Because he was awesome at 9-man football. Yes, apparently that means something, to someone, somewhere and he just happens to be someone I see everyday.

This is the guy who when you walk into his dorm room is watching his high school highlight video with the skanky girl from upstairs to try and impress her. This is the guy who wears his conference champs t-shirt with the opponents name and score of the game on his shirt to class like 3 times a week. The shirt reads something like this: (This is football by the way)
Opponent Score
Pineville-Meyertown-Hickson 63-5 (yes, 5)
Davidson-Alberton-Dayton 111-7

You get the point...anyway, I hate this guy. I hate all guys like him. But most of all, I hate the stupid shit they say.

"When I was in high school we only had 18 kids in my class and it was fun". No, it wasn't fun. It was only fun because you had no other experiences and had to associate with the other douchey guys and ugly girls who make up your pathetic village.

Oh yea, another thing about this guy is he probably ends up dating a girl who is way to hot for him but only after she slept with 1/2 the guys on his dorm floor and they all know it but he doesn't. If anyone doesn't know the kind of guy I am talking about, I hope you can better relate to tomorrow's guy of "weight room guy". Let me tell you, I hate weight room guy.

Back to guy who thinks he is awesome because he was a great athlete at a really small school. He goes out for the college team and makes it but never plays, but tells everyone who doesn't know better that he is hurt or coach hates him. He makes sure to wear his team issued sweatpants, sweatshirt, under armour, shoes, head band, hat and warm-up every day he isn't wearing his high school conference champions shirt or his "weight room warrior" shirt from high school.

This guy walks around like he owns the place, he has the same look as Kobe Bryant when Kobe goes off for 60, but he has it because he graced you with his presence in your 8am history class.

I could honestly go on forever about "this guy" but I have finals this week and I was tricked into writing this by little Juice. However, I like this and even though Jim Rome has similar rants, mine will be different and likely more profane as time goes on. This might be a weekly thing or just happens whenever I feel like bitchin' about shit.

-The Kicker

Random Thoughts...

...I always suspected that pigs would eventually kill us all. (Juice)

...So apparently the Yankees just figured out the economy is not doing great and people are in fact NOT willing to sell their souls. (The Kicker)

...Yes, but you must remember that Yankees fans never had souls to begin with. (Juice)

...It's annoying whe people talk about teams trading for or signing players, and say their team should only acquire a player if he is healthy. Why do people say this? Of course you should only acquire someone is healthy. It should go without saying. You aren't going to say, "well this guy has a torn ACL, and is out for the year, but I'll give up a players or millions of dollars for him anyway because he is awesome at being injured." (Juice)

...Have you ever thought about hand towels? You take all this time to wash your hands, hopefully with soap because if not you are a retarded jack ass, and then you whipe your hands on this towel that a bunch of other people have wiped their hands on. Doesn't this kind of defeat the purpose of washing your hands? Think of all the gross stuff people touch before they wipe their hands on a towel, too. People are disgusting. It's no wonder we are all going to die from swine flu. (Juice)

...Males and fat girls should be required to wear underwears at all times. I was sitting in class the other day when an apparently underwearless guy in front of me stood up. I got a whole lot of man ass. This is not ok. Someone needs to police this by checking to make sure every guy and fat girl is wearing underwear before they leave the house. I nominate The Kicker. (Juice)

...Reader Lisa Hawkinson pointed out the absurdity of using the phrase "go fuck yourself" as an insult. I completely agree that this is insane. It is in no way an insult. I mean, who doesn't want to fuck themself? I know I do. But then again, I am pretty, so maybe it is different for ugly people. You'd have to ask The Kicker that. (Juice)

...Umm....I don't even know how to respond to this video. I would, though, like to give a shoutout to the homeless guy who said "this ain't Easter." I believe the term you were looking for is Halloween, sir. (Juice)

...The new Transformers trailer is out, and if you think the first movie didn't have a plot, you ain't seen nothing yet. Unless Megan Fox gets naked, which she won't because the movie is PG-13, I can't think of a good reason to see this movie. The first one wasn't very good, Michael Bay is a tool, and as far as I can tell from the trailer, Revenge of the Fallen just looks like a combination of the first Transformers and Armageddon. And that isn't a good thing. (Juice)

...Speaking of movies about cartoons from the 80s, here is the trailer to G.I. Joe The Rise of Cobra. If you are a fan of the original G.I. Joe don't watch it, all it will do is make you depressed. I feel like they should have consulted the fans of the orginal Transformers and G.I. Joe before they made these crappy movies. (Juice)

Juice's Top Ten: Sports Rivalries

Since I didn't specify what I meant by "sports rivalries" in the poll, I'm going to use current rivalries. History matters, of course, but you won't find Ali vs Frazier on this list. I'm going with current sports rivalries because every shmuck in the world has made a list of all time rivalries and they are all basically the same; where, on the flip side, only every other shmuck has a list of current sports rivalries so they are a little less common. Although, also basically all the same as well.

Also, before I start, anyone who claims something is "too one-sided to be a rivalry," needs to buy a dictionary and look up the term "rival." It has nothing to do with who wins, it has to do with the competition between the two teams.

Oh, and the poll is up for next week's top ten, so vote away!

Now on to this week's list...

10b. Minnesota Vikings vs. Green Bay Packers
10a. Minnesota Twins vs. Chicago White Sox

My homer picks. Nobody outside of Minnesota, Green Bay, and Chicago actually cares about these rivalries, but I do and it is my list. Personally, the Twins vs. White Sox is the most important rivalry to me, but most of the country doesn’t even realize they are rivals. As for the Packers and Vikings, that rivalry matters more to Vikings fans than Packers fans. The Packers vs. Bears rivalry is far more important in Green Bay than the Packers vs. Bears. But like I said, this is my homer pick so my teams make 10b and 10a. I absolutely loathe the White Sox, might I add.

9. Whatever Dumbass College Football Rivalry You Follow

Let’s be completely honest here. Every single college football rivalry is the exact same thing. Nobody actually gives a crap outside of those respective schools. And yes, that includes you Ohio State and Michigan. Nobody cares. So just pick whatever college football team you follow, and stick their number one rival in this spot.

8. Chicago Cubs vs. St. Louis Cardinals

This rivalry is underrated. It’s not the Cardinals and Cubs fault Midwest fans aren’t as insane and douchey as east coast fans. However, if you ask Cubs and Cardinals fans what team they hate the most; their answer will always be the Cubs for Cardinals fans, and the Cardinals for Cubs fans. Plus, the Cardinals seem to always find a way to compete, so on those rare occasions when the Cubs are actually good, the Cardinals are usually their main competition. Seeing as how the Cubs are good this year, and the Cardinals are once again looking like contenders, I expect this rivalry to be even better than most seasons.

7. Chicago White Sox vs. Chicago Cubs/New York Yankees vs. New York Mets

These cross-town battles would probably be far more interesting if these teams played more often, but it seems the fans in these given cities seem to care quite a bit. Had the Mets actually been good in 2000, Subway Series fever probably would have swept the nation. Instead, they were swept. I think the people that live in these cities with two teams make too big a deal about their rivalry (they’re in different leagues after all) but Chicago and New York are so big, and the rest of the country finds the Cubs and Yankees so interest, that these battles become rivalries.

6. Tiger Woods vs. Phil Mickelson

Here is the first point on the list where stupid people will say, “This isn’t a rivalry, Tiger always beats Phil.” This is true, but that isn’t what it means to be “rivals.” Just ask Webster. The fact is, Tiger and Phil hate each other. Of course, pretty much everybody hates Phil and loves Tiger, so not only does Tiger dominate on the course, but in every other walk of life as well. Plus Tiger’s fist pump is way cooler than Phil’s awkward jump.

5. Philadelphia Phillies vs. New York Mets

There isn’t a ton of history to this particular rivalry, but in the last couple of years these two teams have gotten pretty intense. Both teams have talked smack in the media, and the division has come down to Philadelphia and New York the last two years. And probably will again. And hey, maybe this will finally be the year New York doesn’t pull a spectacular choke job.

4. New England Patriots vs. Indianapolis Colts

Again, not a lot of history to the Patriots vs. Colts rivalry, but it seems these two always go head to head for the AFC Championship, at least in the past decade or so. Couple that with the competition between the two best quarterbacks in Tom “Dreamy” Brady, and Peyton “Infinitely Less Dreamy” Manning, and you have yourself a full fledged rivalry.

3. Rafael Nadal vs. Roger Federer

I’m not big on tennis. But, then again, I don’t think anybody is all that big on tennis. The fact is, however, these two seem to meet in the finals of every major tournament. I put it at three, because they are by far the two best players in their sport, and are pretty much the only two that can even get people to watch tennis. Maybe Andy Roddick can get some viewers, but he is a failure. A massive failure. Then again, anyone who has a wife like Brooklyn Decker (see pic right), probably can’t be considered a failure.

2. Duke vs. North Carolina (Men’s Basketball)

Duke and North Carolina almost always play compelling games. The fans of these teams are arguably more passionate than any in sports (they aren’t actually, but one could make the argument). I’m not a huge college basketball fan, I enjoy it, but I’ not a huge fan, and I always find the Duke vs. North Carolina matchup compelling. I can only imagine what it would be like for people who actually live in North Carolina. But, then again, what else is there to do in North Carolina?

1. New York Yankees vs. Boston Red Sox

Anyone who tries to claim the Yankees vs. Red Sox isn’t the premiere rivalry in sports now, or ever, is an idiot. No way around it. People who don’t like these teams always try to claim nobody outside of New York and Boston cares about the Yankees vs. Red Sox rivalry. The fact is, however, there is a completely different energy to games between these two teams. Any true baseball fan finds this rivalry compelling. Between the history, and the fact that the two teams just plain don’t like each other, nothing can ever match Yankees vs. Red Sox. And if you think otherwise, you are retahded.

-Juice