The Banter

As I mentioned yesterday, we are trying something new today. And, might I add, we are really just spoiling you at this point. This will be the third day of double posting...or, depending on how you look at it, our first day of quadruple posting.

This premise for this new spiel is as follows:

We pick a topic and basically banter back and forth - much like if we were emailing back and forth and you were all cc'd. I'm not really sure how this will work, or if it will work at all, but we'll see how it goes. We'll be updating throughout the day, and each of us will get in about 5 or 6 responses between now and whenever we decide to end, so feel free to follow along with us as we go. Otherwise, you can come back at the end of the day and be treated to our full day of banter, as well as the top ten.

Also, you are all a bunch of flip flopping fools. If Ik new how to make it so you couldn't change your vote every 10 frigging minutes I would, but apparently Blogger doesn't make that possible. Whatever. As of noon central standard time, I am calling "obnoxious celebrities" as the winner of the top ten election, and I don't even need a magic map to do it.

Because the election was so close, and you all change your votes more often than Lindsay Lohan changes her sexual orientation, we're going to kill two birds with one stone and discuss hot female (male?) athletes in this little experiment today.

So I guess without further ado...

Juice (12:04 pm): You know what my problem with female athletes is? There aren't enough attractive ones. I realize that softball, basketball, and hockey players are all actually guys, so you can't expect much there, but why aren't there more hot tennis players? I mean we have Maria Sharapova, Ana Ivanovic, and maybe a few others, but really shouldn't there be more? We're talking about a group of women who are usually in their early to mid twenties, athletic, obviously in very good shape, and often wear short skirts and low cut tops while running around. It's the worst trick ever. You'll be flipping through channels, stop on a tennis match for a second thinking "hmm she looks kind of cute," then, BAM! Holy-freaking-butter face. Yeesh.

Then you have gymnasts. Sure there are a fair number of good looking gymnasts, but they are hot in an "I may be a pedophile" sort of way. You never know if gymnasts are 12 or 22. Even if they are 22, you don't know that while watching their routine, and you have to either Google them to find out, or wait for one of the announcers to tell you their age. Of course, by that time you are already done jerking off so you're sitting there wondering if you just mentally molested a minor.

Lastly, I would like to introduce Jennie Finch to the conversation, since I know she will come up at some point today. She is not attractive. At all. I know you have a soft spot in your heart for Ms. Finch, but I have only one soft thing for her - my penis. She is a beast of a woman. Shudder.

Look at that picture. She is a thick woman. Not fat, but thick.

And, for the record, she is 6' 1" 174 lbs. I am 6' 1" 190 lbs. If you find Jennie Finch attractive you are essentially saying I am also a smoking hot female. Which is fair I suppose, I am very pretty.

Your move Sir Kicks-a-Lot.

The Kicker (2:36pm): Well, I don't really know where to go from there but I do agree. There are surprisingly few attractive female athletes. My question is why? Well to start, they are usually the size of a college linebacker or are actually former college linebackers who had their penis cut off.

But realistically the numbers don't add up. Think about your high school. If you take all the athletes in high school you undoubtedly have some very attractive ones. So if you figure every high school in the country has hot female athletes how come so few of these girls turn "pro"?

My theory is all the cute ones get knocked up or just quit sports to be professionally good looking.

I am attracted to girls in sports attire. Juice will agree that a girl rocking a Joe Mauer shirsey (t-shirt jersey made into one word) is a sexy sight if she is attractive. However, ugly girls wearing the same attire just piss me off because they don't deserve to wear anything cool.

I will sum up my thoughts and wait for the response from Juice Bag.

Female athletes who are attractive are more attractive because they play sports. There is an oddly small amount of attractive female athletes at the higher levels. Most female athletes are males who had their penis cut off.

Respond a way Juice

Juice (3:oo pm): Response away or respond away? Oh never mind, it's just silly grammar.

First of all, you didn't defend your girl Jennie Finch. What's up with that?

Second, as the resident soccer expert (also known as douche bag) I would like you to explain what happens to all the hot soccer girls. At least half the girls who play soccer in high school and college are hot, and then they just fall off the face of the earth. Now, maybe this is because I just don't know of any profesional female soccer players, but I'm pretty sure if they were hot enough they would get some publicity. There should be at least a few smoking hotties in the bunch. Right?

Here, by the way, are my top five female athletes:

5. Maria Verchenova (Golf - I just found out about her today, but she is adorable)
4. Biba Golic (Table Tennis - we're using the term "athlete" loosely here)
3. Paula Creamer (Golf)
2. Maria Sharapova (Tennis)
1. Allison Stokke (Track and Field)

I would like to see your top five. If Danica Patrick is in it, you are no longer allowed to exist. Oh and I am 95% sure Allison Stokke is perfect.

I will end with two questions. First: Who is hotter, the hot girl in a Joe Mauer jersey, or the Joe Mauer in a Joe Mauer jersey. Ponder that one, my friend.

And, speaking of hot girls wearing sports attire, how bout girls who wear pink jerseys or caps? There is nothing worse than a hot girl wearing a pink Twins jersey and Twins hat. You want to talk about a prime candidate for a donkey punch...

I know you have strong feelings about this subject as well, because we have had extensive conversations about it in the past.

And lastly, would you rather make out with Tom Brady, or a random member of your college's softball team? I've seen several members of the St. Scholastica Saints softball team so I think the answer is fairly obvious here...

You're up Little Miss Kickshine.

The Kicker (7:53pm): I didn't defend Jennie Finch because I am lazy and somewhat agree. The only reason I cannot completely agree is because The Kicker's Girlfriend is willing to have a threesome with Jennie Finch and me so I would have to agree to that.

I don't believe in women's soccer as being a sport but since table tennis is I would say there are in fact hot "professional" women's soccer players but no one cares at all about any of them.

My top 5 is very similar to yours. It looks something like this.

5. Amanda Beard (swimming)

4. Paula Creamer (golf)

3. Ana Ivanovic (tennis)

2. Maria Sharapove (tennis)

1. Alisson Stokke (perfection)

I prefer the girl in the Joe Mauer jersey but maybe that's because I'm straight.

I will not get into it too much now but I firmly believe there should be a constitutional amendment outlawing pink sports attire unless it is on Mother's Day. (this will be a blog post soon)

And based on the girls of the St. Scholastica softball team I would for sure sleep with Tom Brady, but maybe thats just the straight part of me talking again.

Take it away J-Gay


Juice (11:09 pm): Well I think I'm going to wrap this up for today. As a final thought I would just like to say that I would definitely make out with Tom Brady before almost any college softball player on the planet.


On that final note, I bid you all adieu. I must rest up for my two and a half hours of the cluster fuck known as college graduation tomorrow.