The Right Way

Alright, it's 2:45 in the morning, and I may or may not be a little tipsy, but I just cannot let this left handed propaganda stand.

This entire argument is really quite simple. The world is made for righties, and you minuscule lefties are just cogs in our right handed machine. Everything is built for righties for one very simple reason: lefties are worthless turds.

Fact: Lefties have shorter life span (good, get rid of them I say).

Fact: Lefties smell funny.

Fact: Lefties are 97% more likely to become serial killers and/or rapists.

Fact: Lefties caused AIDS.

Fact: I am using the word "fact" very loosely.

Let's just be completely honest here, lefties are cramping the style of a very right handed world. While I get to sit here monkeying with my mouse without the slightest bit of awkwardness or trepidation, lefties have to paw around like a retard looking for a light switch. Which sounds better to you?

Also, when one of your biggest claims to left handed fame is a puppet frog who has based his entire existence on trying to fuck a puppet pig, I don't think that is something to brag about. I mean, come on, Miss Piggy is a total bitch.

Also, Kent Hrbek is, in fact, not left handed. He batted left and threw right, which means he is actually right handed. Oh, and same with Ted Williams. Solid research on that one.

You also failed to recognize the biggest tool in sports history, Barry Bonds, is left handed. Gross.

See, the problem with your left handed list is that it basically includes every single worthwhile lefty in the history of the world. Congratulations, you have 17 interesting people, and that is assuming you include the puppet, the two who aren't actually left handed, Bruce Willis, and Julia Roberts. And, by the way, you can have Bruce Willis and Julia Roberts, the righties only want the talented/attractive people.

Subtract those five, and you are down to 12 worthwhile lefties. Congrat-u-fucking-lations, What happened to the rest? Did they all die too young?

Oh and anyone who claims that Yoda is left handed is a fucking moron, Jedis are obviously ambidextrous.

The fact is the left hand is nothing more than a worthless claw that exists for the sole purpose of creating symmetry for the vastly superior right hand.

And, as a final note, let's just be completely honest here. The Kicker tore his ACL playing soccer, proving, as he has time and time again, that lefties have absolutely no athletic ability. It would
be less embarrassing to tear your ACL playing hop scotch or some shit.

In conclusion, I would just like to extend one giant right handed middle finger to the craptacular waste of space lefties of the world.

-Juice

P.S. The term southpaw stems from the days when baseball fields were all built so that home plate faces the east (to keep the sun out of the batters eye). Because of this, left handed pitchers would arm would be facing south, thus they were called southpaws. For the record, though, you can only call yourself a southpaw if you don't throw like a girl. Because 97% of lefties, in fact, throw like girls, only a minority of them can actually call themselves southpaws. And, no, The Kicker is definitely not part of this minority.