Juice's Top Ten: Reasons to Skip Class

Alright, I'm back with the top ten. Once again, I apologize for the week that I essentially disappeared. Of course, I didn't technically disappear, although that would have been preferable to the two papers and 10 minute presentation I had to do this week. But I digress.

I know I screwed up the voting by yanking the "politically correct" option from the poll, but I decided I didn't want to do that list for various reasons. Like I said, I will write a post about politically correctness because it annoys me, but I'm not going to run down a top ten list of politically correct terms.

Lastly, before I start the list, I just want to say I will be blogging more next week, hopefully everday, to make up for my lackluster week here. Hopefully I'll have a decent set of Random Thoughts for you tomorrow as well.

Anyway, on to the top ten reasons to skip class list many of you have apparently been waiting for...

10. Swine Flu

Everybody is expecting this one, so let’s just get it out of the way. If you have swine flu (or H1N1 or R2D2 flu or whatever the fuck they are calling it now) don’t go to class, especially if you are in my class. I don’t need that. Quite frankly, the whole swine flu thing has been blown out of proportion, but regardless, nobody wants that. Although, if I catch swine flu I’m bringing down as many people as I can with me. Just a little FYI.

9. Nice Weather

You know those last few days of fall when it’s still nice? Or those first days of spring when the snow is finally gone and the sun is finally out? Who wants to go to class? The answer is, of course, nobody. So just don’t go. Skip away and enjoy the day. (Yep, I’m straight Seussin it dawg.) Seriously, though, if it is over 60 degrees outside, class can screw off. And, if you have some sort of exam or assignment due, just tell your professor you have explosive diarrhea (more on that later), they are sure to count it as an excused absence. Just make sure they don’t see you pretending to be athletic by playing ultimate Frisbee.

8. Torn ACL (dedicated to The Kicker)

So The Kicker tore up his knee. He did so playing soccer. Yes. Soccer. It’s one thing if you mess up your knee playing a real sport, or at least something that takes something resembling talent or athletic ability. But soccer? Really? I mean what the hell? Did he step on his vagina? Regardless, I can only imagine what it feels like to tear an ACL, and I assume it isn’t pleasant, but I would take advantage of that like crazy and skip as much class as possible. Of course, The Kicker is on summer vacation so that just blows.

7. Working on an Assignment

This one is the most ironic of anything on the list. Skipping school to work on school is always a catch-22, because it blows either way. As an eternal procrastinator, however, I know what it is like to forego one class in favor of working on another. Hell, sometimes you have to skip class to work on an assignment for the class you are skipping. How can the professor even be mad? At least you are boning up on their class. And speaking of boning…

6. Afternoon Delight

Skyyyyyy-rockets in flight…Afternoon delight…AAAAAfternoon delight. If your significant other (or some random whore I suppose) stops by for a little afternoon lovin, you are morally obligated to forego class that day. Yes, morally obligated. Get it while you can. Bonus points, by the way, if you are getting it from the professor of the class you are skipping. Of course in that case, the professor would have to skip class too, so ultimate bonus points if you can convince him or her to send out an email that says class is cancelled because he or she is “laid up.”

5. Hungover/Still Drunk

Now I’m not saying a person necessarily should go out and get wasted on a week night, but if you do, class should definitely be optional the next day. Then again if you are actually hungover or still drunk during class, it is probably a pretty sure sign you are on the fast track to alcoholism. Bonus points, however, if you can somehow convince your professor to bring a keg to class (followed by some afternoon delight, of course).

4. Explosive Diarrhea/Anal Leakage

Whether or not you actually have explosive diarrhea, or any form of anal leakage, if you are willing to tell your professor that you can’t make it class because you’re shitting in streams, you deserve to miss class. I’ve always wondered, by the way, what exactly “anal leakage” is when medication lists it as a side effect. And, more importantly, why would anybody possibly take something that could cause anal leakage? I don’t get it. By the way, if you actually have explosive diarrhea/anal leakage, and aren’t just using it as an excuse to skip class, then I feel sorry for you. Oh, and gross.

3. Sleep

I like sleep. In fact, I like sleep a lot. I especially like sleep when I have spent the last few days not getting enough of it. Here’s the thing about class, especially 8 am class, if I don’t have enough sleep there is no reason for me to be there anyway. I just don’t function well if I’m not fully rested. Plus, I just don’t like getting up at 7 am. It’s unpleasant. Honestly, if you want me to show up everyday, don’t schedule your class for 8 in the morning. That’s just not a good time for me.

2. Your Team’s Opening Day

The Kicker and I have been to the Twins’ home opener seven straight years and counting. That also means that I have skipped at least one class the last four years of school. The Twins’ are just simply more important than class. Granted, I’ve always been lucky that the Twins opener has never fallen on a day when I have a presentation or exam, but I still would have weaseled by way out regardless. That’s why you always need have that explosive diarrhea in your back pocket. Not literally of course.

1. Your Team’s Playoff Game

This one is similar to opening day, but about 1000 times more important. I’ve always wondered what would happen if the Twins made the World Series and the scheduling went back to the old days when games were played during the day. That would make for an interesting week, because I wouldn’t attend a single class. Luckily (or possibly unfortunately, depending on how you look at it) I am done with class so I will never find out how that situation would play out.

-Juice