The QB That Shall Not be Named

Oh shit dawg, it's the double post...what what?!

Umm...yeah. Anyhoo...This is my second post of the day, so if you missed my earlier one scroll on down. Actually this one has nothing to do with my other post, so feel free to read them in any order you choose.

Oh shit dawg. Let's get this party started...

Alright, this isn't so much a party, as it is me throwing my hat into the Brett Favre ring. I know, I know, everybody is talking about Favre, but I want to make my feelings known, and then move on from the topic forever. Much like the illegal substance that shall not be named.

As a Vikings fan, I want Brett Favre. He is a better quarterback then Tavarais "Tjack" Jackson and Sage "Interception" Rosenfells. But, then again, I am a better quarterback than Tjack and Interception, plus I have a better nickname. Although, I would probably have to change my nickname if I were to play in the NFL to avoid pissing off O.J. You know, since he kills people. But I digress...

Like I said, I want Favre. What I don't want, however, is to keep talking about Favre. He is nothing more than a narcissist who loves the media circus surrounding him. He has been performing this same old retirement song and dance every offseason for the last few years, moreso last year than any other, but that wasn't the first time he threatened retirement.

My biggest beef, aside from the simple fact that Favre dominates the sports airwaves, is that the "news" about him is nothing more than celebrity gossip. Don't get me wrong, I love celebrity gossip as much as the next person, but only when it is interesting. Stories about x-rays that may or may not have been sent to the Vikings, or stories about how Favre may or may not be willing to have surgery, are not interesting. If Favre decided his arm would no longer suffice, and he was having it surgically replaced with a younger, better model, then that would be news. But, since that probably isn't happening (or is it? Maybe I should throw that into the rumor mill) nothing about Favre is interesting right now. Besides, the reality is he just wants to stall until OTA's and minicamps are over. (FYI: OTA = Organized Team Activities. Why Favre wouldn't want to take part in any activity with an organization that once organized a sex boat is beyond me, but that is neither here nor there.)

Everybody with any form of knowledge believes Favre will sign with the Vikings before the end of the offseason, but those same people say he will drag the process out as long as possible to avoid any exta work. Why the Vikings are OK with this is a mystery, but whatever.

I'm just sick of hearing about Favre, and would like him to either go away, or just sign a freaking contract. That's all I ask.

So starting now, Favre becomes the QB that shall not be named. Much like the substance that shall not be named, he will no longer be spoken of on this site - until he signs with the Vikings, that is. And, if you are wondering, I am planning on getting to the point where everything I write about is "the something that shall not be named." Reading my posts will be like playing Mad Libs, except way more annoying.

-Juice

"Have You Found a Job Yet?"

I just finished my last final ever. Weird.

The entire situation has even remotley sunk in yet, and right now I'm just kind of in a weird, "huh, I'm done stage." I can't accuratley describe it, but I'm sure those of you who have graduated know what I am talking about. (And those of you who havent' graduated college, or completed something of equal magnitude, have zero idea what it is like, and have absolutley no ability to comment about it in anyway. None.)

I handed in that last final, and was literally walking down the hall giggling to myself, with a dumbass grin on my face. I'm sure I looked like a moron. The giggling was in part due to the fact that I somehow got a B+ on the paper I was supposed to revise last Friday, even though I siad "fuck it" and quit revising halfway through. Good for me, eh?

Mostly, though, I was just happy to be done.

I'm not really sure how to sum up my thoughts, but I wanted to throw up an editorial I wrote awhile back about the whole job search thing.

I know many people, a couple in particular, who should really heed these words. Nobody knows anything, and you are no different. No matter who you are. Anyway, enjoy...

“Have you found a job yet?”

This is the most common question a soon-to-be college graduate will hear in the coming days, weeks, and months.

It is also the most frustrating question a soon-to-be college graduate will hear in the coming days, weeks, and months.

Not because the answer is “no,” which it almost invariably is, but because everyone just assumes all 22-year-olds want to be working a 9-5 job immediately after graduation. Yet, is there a more depressing thought than that of spending your early to mid twenties stuck in a cubicle making $20,000 a year because “this will be the springboard to my success?” Thanks but no thanks.

College is meant to prepare students for a career, often in a specific area through specialized training – or “major,” if you will. That’s all well and good, except this ideology does nothing but create a paranoid army of young people who feel their lives depend on their first job.

They don’t.

Furthermore, if you think your major puts you on a track that guarantees one type of job, or is guaranteed to lead you in a specific direction, you are incredibly naive.

Yes, it sucks if you graduate from college and are still working for Domino’s – but only because Domino’s is disgusting. If you are delivering pizzas at 22 with college degree in hand because you are unsure of what you want, then more power to you.

You are far better off than the person who rushed into the corporate world because they were “supposed to.” Those are the people that look and act 40 by the time they are 28.

This isn’t to disparage those who have a job lined up. If you know what you want to do, and are prepared to do so, that is excellent. If you know for sure you want to work in the corporate world (or some other field), and want to get your foot in the door, go for it.

If, though, you aren’t ready for the 9-5 working world, or that isn’t what you actually want, then just relax and let things settle for awhile. 22 is not 72. Life hasn’t passed you by yet.

And next time someone asks “have you found a job yet?” just smile politely and realize they had no idea what they wanted at 22 either.

Hell, they were probably delivering pizzas.

-Juice

PC Thugs

Lisa: "She called me a PC thug"
Homer: "Ohhhh, I've been called a greasy thug too, and it never stops hurting"

- The Simpsons

That quote comes after Lisa turned in a paper revealing that Jebediah Springfield was a dirty scoundrel, and not actually the great pioneer Springfielders believed him to be. Really, it has nothing to do with the argument I am about to make about political correctness, but it is relatively apropos.

Political correctness is a detriment to society for several reasons. (And as an extension so are PC thugs).

First of all, the entire idea is communist. I don't mean like in a joking, calling someone communist for a stupid reason, way. I mean literally communist.

Second, it infringes on free speech. This portion is debatable, because it gets into the idea of how far does free speech go as a means to insult someone, but political correctness goes far beyond just being a safeguard for defamation.

My biggest issue with political correctness, though, is when people take terms that aren't offensive, and try to create a less offensive way to say them. Often times the PC thugs will take the technical term for something (i.e. mental retardation - yes that is the actual medical term for someone with lesser cognitive ability) and decide that term is inappropriate. Therefore, we are no longer allowed to call things by their correct name.

Let's look first, however, at the Communist nature of a PC world (not the nerd magazine). I'm not going to waste time explaining what Communism is, because neither you or I know enough about it to speak intelligently (if you claim you do, you're a pretentious self absorbed know-it-all liar). Regardless, we all know that Communism is based on the idea of equality, specifically the notion of socioeconomic equality. In elementary terms, it is a system of control.

And what, exactly, is political correctness? It is a system of control.

This, of course, doesn't mean that people should run around calling others derogatory names, but it also doesn't mean we need to censor people to the detriment of free speech. Should everyone start calling each other fags or cunts or retards? Obviously not, but any rational person already knows that.

When people decide you have to call a given social group a certain name, often without consulting that group in the first place, you are simply perpetuating Communist ideals.

For example, some of the PC powers that be have decided American Indians should only be referred to as "Native Americans." This is the politically correct terminology for a group of Native people. The fact is, however, that many of those Native people actually prefer the term "American Indian." Obviously, calling them "injuns" or "redskins" is offensive, but the average person (well the average person north of the Mason Dixon line, at least) knows these terms are offensive. People aren't that dumb.

People don't need to be protected from what they say. All this Communist censorship does is lead to confusion. What can I say? Can I call that person this? Can I call this person that? This confusion ultimately leads to people creating their own terminology and slang terms, slang terms that are far more offensive than anything the PC thugs are trying to censor.

The fact is, censorship in general goes against, at least last time I checked, the Constitution of the United States of America. I believe it says something about the right to free speech. For example, if I want to call The Kicker a fuck face goat licker, I can call The Kicker a fuck face goat licker. (Note I have never actually seen The Kicker lick a goat, I'm just alluding to the possibility that he may or may not have licked a goat at some point in his life.)

In all seriousness, though, over-censoring certain terminology is a form of infringing on freedom of speech.

Here is an example I encountered a couple of months ago:

I was writing an editorial about handicap parking at UMD (hey, look, here's the article) and was told by my editor I have to use the term "disabled" instead of "handicapped." So why, then, does every parking sign in the country refer to the parking spot as "handicap" parking? And why is this an issue? Handicap and disability are essentially synonyms. How did one become more offensive than the other? The Oxford English Dictionary definition for "handicap" is "a condition that markedly restricts a person’s ability to function physically, mentally, or socially." You know what the second definition of "disability" is? "A disadvantage or handicap."

They literally mean the same thing, so who decided I am not allowed to choose what terminology I use? The fact is, censorship is a fundamental impediment of free speech, and in the particular case above, freedom of the press as well.

The threat of Communism and the destruction of freedom of speech are not the biggest issues with a PC world. We're not going to be overtaken by communism any time soon, and the only reprimand against using politically incorrect terms are the bible thumpers and Republicans shouting about how terrible everyone who uses the term "gay" instead of "homosexual" are. (Even though, ironically, they hate gay people.)

The biggest issue with a PC world is that we are taking terms that aren't actually offensive, and trying to change them for no apparent reason. I shouldn't have to question whether or not I am allowed to call a retarded person retarded. The medical term for people with lesser cognitive abilities is, in fact, mentally retarded. It isn't mentally challenged, or mentally handicapped, or mentally disabled, it is mentally retarded. The fact that we have been ingrained to use "retard" as an insult is a completely different issue, and yet that is the exact reason people can no longer use this correct terminology.

People take certain terms and make them derogatory all the time, which is a completely separate issue than the realm of political correctness. (I blame religion, but that’s neither here nor there.)

The fact is, in the case of using these terms as an insult, the offensive part isn’t using the term itself, it is acting like an inoffensive term is actually offensive. Calling a straight person “gay” isn’t an insult. Calling a non-Jewish person a “Jew” isn’t an insult. The insulting thing about these terms is the people who believe they are insults in the first place (again, Bible thumpers and Republicans). I am neither gay nor Jewish, but for the life of me I cannot understand how calling me “a gay Jew” is supposed to be an insult. It is incredibly offensive because you are using it as an insult, but it’s not like there is anything wrong with being a gay Jewish person.

Not to get all after school special on you, but it is this intolerance that forces people to believe we need protection in the form of political correctness. The reality is, most of us don’t.

As long as people aren’t being intentionally insulting or derogatory, they should be allowed to say what they want. Political correctness is born out of a belief that we need a form of verbal protection. The reality is, however, the average person understands the difference between right and wrong. We can police ourselves. We do not a group of people deciding what we can and cannot say. We do not need a group of people censoring us.

We do not need the politically correct.

Given the choice between the PC thug and the greasy thug? Well, I’ll take the greasy thug every single time.

-Juice

Random Thoughts...

...The last assignment in one of my classes was a revised version of a paper we wrote a few weeks ago. Basically, the assignment called for "significant revision," with the parameters going from 8-10 pages on the first paper, to 10-15 pages on the second paper. It was my last assignment of regulation (actual class) before overtime (finals). I couldn't possibly imagine a situation where I am less motivated to do something than rewrite a paper I already got a B on. Why would I possibly care? And more importantly, why not just make us write one paper? I've written a shit ton of papers in my academic career, you aren't teaching me anything by making me write the same thing twice. (Juice)

...I would also like to note that the aforementioned paper was due at 5 pm on a Friday afternoon. Obviously, this means, since I am done with class at 1 pm on Fridays, I will wait until Friday afternoon to actually finish the paper. More importantly, though, who the fuck makes something due at 5 pm on a Friday? Are you really going to be in your office? (Nope, she wasn't.) (Juice)

...People who feel the need to listen to their IPod at all times annoy me. Do you really need it between classes? Is the walk from your friend’s apartment to your apartment really so far that you need music? Take the fucking headphones off, you look like a douche. (Juice)

...I'm sick of people saying "came" as the past tense of "cum." The correct form is actually “cummed." "Come" and "cum" are two completely different words. None of the definitions of the word "come" mean to ejaculate. The word "cum" is a slang word that people have conditioned to mean "to ejaculate." "Cum" doesn't become "came" in the past tense just because "come" becomes "came" in the past tense. The English language isn't that fucking hard people. (Juice)

...Little word of advice: if you have a paper due at noon on Wednesday, don't put it off until literally the last minute. You'll end up drinking coffee at 10 pm, staying awake til 6 am, and having your entire sleep cycle thrown off for the rest of the week. You'll also end up waking up on Thursday at 9:10 am for your class that started at 9:00, scampering across campus to salvage what is left of the final exam review, and end up sitting there for 10 minutes before the professor lets everyone out early from what turned out to be a completely worthless class period. (Juice)

...This site is fantastic. A few of the highlights:

(209): dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
(1-209): nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

(843): the red head has a bf
(1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

(302): Who goes to Church hungover
(717): Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

...Mythbusters is one of the five worst shows on TV. I don't get how anybody watches it. The guys are annoying, the myths are lame, and the experiments are unbearably boring to watch. (Juice)

...Reason #2190840871 that Jose Canseco is a douche. (Juice)

...This is one of the five most random things I have ever seen. (Click the link before moving on to the next random thought; I don't want to ruin the picture for you.) (Juice)

...I love the looks on the faces of the three in the above picture. Matt Garza looks like he is concocting an elaborate scheme to wrangle himself a threesome. Britsol Palin looks like she is about to fall for an elaborate scheme to be wrangled into a threesome. And Hayden Panttierre looks like a whore who is more than willing to take place in a threesome, but thinks she is far too important to take part in that threesome. (Juice)

...Also, Bristol Palin is better looking that Hayden Panttierre. Who knew? (Juice)

...I can't take another summer of Favre. Everybody knows you are going to eventually sign with the Vikings, and are just looking for an excuse to skip as many preseason workouts, so just freakin sign so we don't have to go through another summer of your prima donna routine. I mean if we were looking at the summer of George that would be one thing, but I just can't handle another summer of Favre. (Juice)

...How do you defend yourself against the man with two dildos? (I promise that isn't porn, just trust me and click it.) (Juice)

…The media annoys me for a lot of reasons, but mostly because they blow stupid shit out of proportion. In the last couple of days I watched shows that have centered around the controversy of Miss California, Carrie Prejean, posing nude for a photo shoot (she isn’t actually nude) and Jon from Jon and Kate Plus Eight banging someone other than Kate. Who the fuck cares? And, for that matter, I watched like two minutes of Jon and Kate Plus Eight once and I wanted to punch Kate in the face, so I can’t blame the guy for cheating on her. More importantly, though, how is that in any way a news story? That just pisses me off. As for Miss California, so she posed for some pictures to try and break in the modeling industry. THAT’S WHAT MODELS DO. IT ISN”T FUCKING NEWS. Ugh. (Juice)

Juice's Top Ten: Reasons to Skip Class

Alright, I'm back with the top ten. Once again, I apologize for the week that I essentially disappeared. Of course, I didn't technically disappear, although that would have been preferable to the two papers and 10 minute presentation I had to do this week. But I digress.

I know I screwed up the voting by yanking the "politically correct" option from the poll, but I decided I didn't want to do that list for various reasons. Like I said, I will write a post about politically correctness because it annoys me, but I'm not going to run down a top ten list of politically correct terms.

Lastly, before I start the list, I just want to say I will be blogging more next week, hopefully everday, to make up for my lackluster week here. Hopefully I'll have a decent set of Random Thoughts for you tomorrow as well.

Anyway, on to the top ten reasons to skip class list many of you have apparently been waiting for...

10. Swine Flu

Everybody is expecting this one, so let’s just get it out of the way. If you have swine flu (or H1N1 or R2D2 flu or whatever the fuck they are calling it now) don’t go to class, especially if you are in my class. I don’t need that. Quite frankly, the whole swine flu thing has been blown out of proportion, but regardless, nobody wants that. Although, if I catch swine flu I’m bringing down as many people as I can with me. Just a little FYI.

9. Nice Weather

You know those last few days of fall when it’s still nice? Or those first days of spring when the snow is finally gone and the sun is finally out? Who wants to go to class? The answer is, of course, nobody. So just don’t go. Skip away and enjoy the day. (Yep, I’m straight Seussin it dawg.) Seriously, though, if it is over 60 degrees outside, class can screw off. And, if you have some sort of exam or assignment due, just tell your professor you have explosive diarrhea (more on that later), they are sure to count it as an excused absence. Just make sure they don’t see you pretending to be athletic by playing ultimate Frisbee.

8. Torn ACL (dedicated to The Kicker)

So The Kicker tore up his knee. He did so playing soccer. Yes. Soccer. It’s one thing if you mess up your knee playing a real sport, or at least something that takes something resembling talent or athletic ability. But soccer? Really? I mean what the hell? Did he step on his vagina? Regardless, I can only imagine what it feels like to tear an ACL, and I assume it isn’t pleasant, but I would take advantage of that like crazy and skip as much class as possible. Of course, The Kicker is on summer vacation so that just blows.

7. Working on an Assignment

This one is the most ironic of anything on the list. Skipping school to work on school is always a catch-22, because it blows either way. As an eternal procrastinator, however, I know what it is like to forego one class in favor of working on another. Hell, sometimes you have to skip class to work on an assignment for the class you are skipping. How can the professor even be mad? At least you are boning up on their class. And speaking of boning…

6. Afternoon Delight

Skyyyyyy-rockets in flight…Afternoon delight…AAAAAfternoon delight. If your significant other (or some random whore I suppose) stops by for a little afternoon lovin, you are morally obligated to forego class that day. Yes, morally obligated. Get it while you can. Bonus points, by the way, if you are getting it from the professor of the class you are skipping. Of course in that case, the professor would have to skip class too, so ultimate bonus points if you can convince him or her to send out an email that says class is cancelled because he or she is “laid up.”

5. Hungover/Still Drunk

Now I’m not saying a person necessarily should go out and get wasted on a week night, but if you do, class should definitely be optional the next day. Then again if you are actually hungover or still drunk during class, it is probably a pretty sure sign you are on the fast track to alcoholism. Bonus points, however, if you can somehow convince your professor to bring a keg to class (followed by some afternoon delight, of course).

4. Explosive Diarrhea/Anal Leakage

Whether or not you actually have explosive diarrhea, or any form of anal leakage, if you are willing to tell your professor that you can’t make it class because you’re shitting in streams, you deserve to miss class. I’ve always wondered, by the way, what exactly “anal leakage” is when medication lists it as a side effect. And, more importantly, why would anybody possibly take something that could cause anal leakage? I don’t get it. By the way, if you actually have explosive diarrhea/anal leakage, and aren’t just using it as an excuse to skip class, then I feel sorry for you. Oh, and gross.

3. Sleep

I like sleep. In fact, I like sleep a lot. I especially like sleep when I have spent the last few days not getting enough of it. Here’s the thing about class, especially 8 am class, if I don’t have enough sleep there is no reason for me to be there anyway. I just don’t function well if I’m not fully rested. Plus, I just don’t like getting up at 7 am. It’s unpleasant. Honestly, if you want me to show up everyday, don’t schedule your class for 8 in the morning. That’s just not a good time for me.

2. Your Team’s Opening Day

The Kicker and I have been to the Twins’ home opener seven straight years and counting. That also means that I have skipped at least one class the last four years of school. The Twins’ are just simply more important than class. Granted, I’ve always been lucky that the Twins opener has never fallen on a day when I have a presentation or exam, but I still would have weaseled by way out regardless. That’s why you always need have that explosive diarrhea in your back pocket. Not literally of course.

1. Your Team’s Playoff Game

This one is similar to opening day, but about 1000 times more important. I’ve always wondered what would happen if the Twins made the World Series and the scheduling went back to the old days when games were played during the day. That would make for an interesting week, because I wouldn’t attend a single class. Luckily (or possibly unfortunately, depending on how you look at it) I am done with class so I will never find out how that situation would play out.

-Juice

To: Fans From: Kicker's Bed

Yes, that is right. I am blogging in bed. The reasons for this may seem obvious but I suffered a potentially severe knee injury today and laying down is better than standing. Anyway, I am not sure if this injury will lead to me blogging more or less, but I will in fact work hard to continue blogging. So far the problems resulting from my knee injury are many and here we go...

#10- I am suppose to go to the Twins game tomorrow and I don't know if I'll be able to

#9- Try peeing on one leg, its not that easy

#8- Crutches are only fun when you can hand them back to the kid with the broken leg, when they are yours, it sucks.

#7- Its going to be awkward to call the place I work and tell them I can't come in...I haven't even started yet.

#6- Sleeping on your back is more difficult than it should be

#5- Stairs.

#4- Does anyone really want to have surgey or rehab?

#3- Can I drink while on prescription pain meds? We will find out.

#2- I got hurt on the first day of summer. All the fun at the lake, potentially blowing up in my face, like my knee as I crumbled to the ground

and the #1 problems that has arisen from my current knee injury is........I am seriously contemplating borrowing my 84 year old grandmother's cane.

I want to point out this seemed much better before I wrote it, I'm very tired, Tylenol PM is kicking in and my leg hurts.

(Manny is telling the truth, Favre is a fuck face moron bitch ass)

-The Kicker

Quick Juicey Note

Dear Readers,

I just wanted to post quick to say that I am very busy this week with school, and won't be able to write anything until my Top Ten on Friday. So please feel free to take up any issues with a lack of blogging this week with The Kicker. I need to graduate people. Then it will be blogging smoothe sailing. I'll be blogging so often it will be like Tweeting, but less annoying.

Also, in regards to the top ten this week, I have decide to strike "Annoying politcally correct phrases" from the list of choices. To appease those who voted for it, I will write a general piece on why political correctness is annoying and absurd (coming next Monday). I will be plenty sarcastic, as I'm sure you are all looking for, but I will not be running down a complete top ten list of annoying politically correct terms. I have changed my mind and that is final.

With that in mind, please recast your vote for another choice in the poll, otherwise as it stands right now, I will be running down the top ten reasons to skip class.

That is all. Have a good week, and enjoy The Kicker until Friday.

Love,
Juice